


Growth of Plastic Flowers

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Brief Alcohol Usage/Drunkeness, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts (brief), M/M, PBB 2016, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pastel Dan, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phandom Big Bang 2016, Recovery, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, famous musician au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 00:08:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8688949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dan is a famous musician who started out on Youtube all the way back in 2009, known for his dark lyrics that contrast with his closet of various pastels. Now, a trip to Japan for a music video shoot may lead to uncovering secrets from his past that he's desperately tried to forget for years.This is the story of a boy who feared love and the other whom he fell for.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my fic for Phandom Big Bang 2016!! I hope you all enjoy it, a lot of time was put into writing it and it's probably one of the longest things I've ever written. I'd like to thank by beta (buse0555x.tumblr.com) for helping make this fic come together. :)
> 
> PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!! This story does have brief (mostly vague) descriptions of past rape and abuse in one scene, there's a scene involving them getting drunk, and there is a major panic attack at one point, so don't read if any of these things trigger you!
> 
> With that in mind, I hope you like it! Feel free to comment your thoughts and share with your friends. :)

Soft chords echo around the cream painted room. Morning sunlight bathes the room, catching in the eyes of the young boy sat at the piano. His eyes are a mix of chocolate and caramel, with small sparks caught in the array of colours. He couldn’t be more than five years old, so small in contrast to the piano in front of him. Yet despite this, he pressed the keys with care, stringing the notes into beautiful melodies that carried throughout the small house. A smile played at his lips as he ended the piece.

Dan Howell was young, still unable to read and write, yet he had easily taught himself how to play the instrument left abandoned in his family’s lounge. It came easily to him, pressing the keys that made the sounds that he so loved.

“Daniel!” the call came from the kitchen. Dan hopped down from the piano bench, hurrying towards his mother’s voice. She stands in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee in hand.

“Yes mummy?” Dan replies, giving her a dimpled smile.

“You quite like playing that old piano don’t you?” she asks fondly, watching as her son nods his head enthusiastically.

“Yeah, it makes really pretty noises,” he says, going to sit down at the table. He has trouble getting into the chair for a moment, using one of the stretcher beams to push himself onto the seat. Despite his parents height, he was still moderately average height for his age, on the lower portion of the average, even.

“They are pretty, aren’t they? But despite that, you really should wait a bit before playing, as your daddy is still asleep. He had to work really late last night so he’s very tired,” she explains. Dan pouts, but nods his head anyway.

“Alright I’ll wait,” he says, his tone a bit downcast. His mother smiles at him once more, setting down her now empty mug.

“You really are talented, Dan. That old piano has been here since your daddy and I moved here and we’ve never touched it. I’m glad it’s finally being put to use,” she tells him. “I hope you continue to play. I think you can make it big if you do.”

“Do you really think so?” he asks, eyes wide. His mother chuckles softly at his amazement.

“Yes, I really do,” she says.

Dan doesn’t really understand just how unusual his talent is. He doesn’t know that most five-year-olds can’t even press the keys properly, let alone string together chords into beautiful improvised pieces. But his mother knows, and she really hopes that this is something he’ll continue to love, even if others give him trouble for it when he gets older.

* * *

 

It was one day when he was seven that Dan noticed the swirling assortment of flowers that had blossomed across his mother’s arm. They had never been there before, he knew that he would have noticed them. It wasn’t unusual to see people with patterns on their body. A girl in his class had videogame characters along her back, another girl a few years ahead of him had stars along her cheek and chin, and he’s see others in the streets daily. So he asked his mother as she tucked him into bed that night.

“Mum, why do you have flowers on your arm?” he asks. She sighs softly, sitting down at the end of his bed.

“I knew you’d ask about it sooner or later,” she says, looking into his eyes. “Do you know what a soulmate is, Dan?” He shakes his head no, and she hums in acknowledgement.

“A soulmate, Dan, is someone very special whom you’re destined to meet before you’re even born. Your souls are tied together, so you’ll meet them in every life you have,” she explains. “A lot of people think that you’re destined to fall in love with that person, but I don’t believe that. I think you’ll always love your soulmate, but that love isn’t always romantic. It’s often purely platonic.”

“Do I have a soulmate?” Dan asks, gasping a little when his mother nods. “Really? When will I meet them? Have I already met them?”

“You know if you’ve met your soulmate because when they first touch you, a unique design relating to the both of you appears,” she says. “That’s why I have flowers on my arm.”

“Who’s your soulmate?” he asks.

“Her name is Amelia. I met her yesterday because I dropped my wallet and she was attempting to hand it back to me. We’ve both agreed that we’re entirely platonic, as we’re both married, her to her wife, and I to your dad.”

“Girls can marry girls?”

“Yes, and boys can marry boys.”

“What about people like Eli who don’t want to be called boys or girls?” he asks.

“They can marry each other, too,” Mrs. Howell tells him. “Anyone can marry anyone, and that’s how it’s always been.”

“It’d be dumb if you couldn’t marry whoever you wanted,” Dan rambles looking up at his ceiling, studying the plastic glowing stars attached to it.

“It would be. Now get some sleep, you have school tomorrow,” she says, kissing his forehead before getting up and turning off the lamp on his nightstand.

“Goodnight, mum,” he mumbles, turning over under his sheets.

“Goodnight, Dan.”

Dan has trouble sleeping that night. All that occupies his mind are thoughts of one day meeting his soulmate.

* * *

 

“That is not true!” she laughs, playfully hitting their shoulders together. Dan laughs with her, a happy grin on his face. They’ve been together for over a year now, after he asked her out in January of 2007. He loves her, unbelievably so. Many people in his life have been skeptical, mostly those who he would hang out with at school, because she isn’t his soulmate. But that never bothered Dan. His mother has a platonic soulmate, so it could be the same for him. Whether that be the case or not, he believes it to be worth it, at least trying to date others, not letting a soulmate he hasn’t even met hold him back.

“I swear, I’m telling the truth, your hair looks great when curly,” he says, gesturing to her straightened blonde locks before taking a sip from his drink. They’re on a date, in a small coffee shop within walking distance of his home. It’s the place they frequent, to the staff has their orders memorized.

“Nope. Mines all frizzy and weird when curly. You have practically no frizziness, you’re lucky,” she says, adjusting his fringe.

“I mean, I would straighten it but I can’t be bothered, to be honest,” he says, causing her to roll her hazel eyes.

“Typical Dan,” she says fondly, resting her head against his shoulder. Dan puts his arm around her, and they sit in comfortable silence for a moment.

“I love you,” he says, and in response, she connects their lips in a gentle kiss.

* * *

 

Dan lies on his bed, wrapped up in his duvet and head propped up on a stray pillow. The clock on his laptop reads 2:43 am, and he’s exhausted, but can’t fall asleep. His hand is hovering over his touchpad, his screen displaying a Twitter reply that has been typed out for the past half hour, yet hasn’t been sent. Dan is shaking, and he’s clutching his pillow so tightly that his knuckles have turned white.

The reply is to a tweet by AmazingPhil, the YouTuber who Dan’s been watching for the past several months, and yet has had no interactions with him thus far. It’s a simple enough tweet, one he’s been careful to make sure it wouldn’t come off as too eager or creepy, and he’s checked it at least fifty times for any typos or grammatical errors. His mouse is over the send button. It’d be so easy to just click it, and let the tweet go live.

But something in him breaks, and he slams the laptop shut, turning over on his bed and squeezing his eyes shut as tightly as he can. He feels the hot tears run down his face and he chokes back his sobs, because he can’t worry his parents. He doesn’t want them to have to deal with his life problems on top of whatever they already have to deal with.

“God fucking damn it,” he hisses, clutching his pillow impossibly tighter. He cries himself to sleep that night.

* * *

 

Dan never did send that tweet, but despite his fears and doubts, later that year he would go on to upload his first song cover. The video of him singing _Toxic_ ended up blowing up overnight, reaching the featured page after only a few days of being uploaded. His channel gained popularity quickly, and with the encouragement from his several thousand new subscribers, he began uploading more song covers.

In early 2010, he began occasionally uploading his own songs. Many commented on the juxtaposition of his music and his appearance; after all, it’s quite ironic how the boy who only wears pale, colourful clothing and an occasionally dyed quiff of curly hair, writes such dark lyrics about pain and mistrust in the world. But no one really knows why his music is as grim as it is, and it’s been a topic of speculation from the get go.

It wasn’t until 2012 that his channel really exploded, however. His subscriber count skyrocketed, and he rose nearly eight-hundred thousand in the matter of three months. Dan refused to believe it when he received an email from Island Records UK that April, but it happened, and he ended up signing onto a recording contract four months later in August. From there, with his music and channel getting even more popular, his channel surpassed three million by the end of the year. He released his debut album (entitled ‘Strain of Will’) on November 14th, 2012, and it hit top of the charts within a couple days of release.

Dan moved to London whilst figuring out things for his contract, taking the chance that he’d be able to sign on to the label, so that he’d have a shorter commute to the label’s London office. The flat was nice, having two large bedrooms (the larger of which he transformed into an small home studio), a lounge, and an extra smaller office where he could edit videos. As a way of saying congrats, his parents bought him a orange and white tabby cat, whom he named Kai. It worked well, as he didn’t have to be entirely alone in a new place.

One thing that quickly became a popularly speculated topic was his soulmate. It was a common occurrence in the media, and Dan had expected it, but that wasn’t to say that he was happy with it. Eventually when he started touring, people quickly became aware of the common rule throughout meetups: no physical contact is allowed. The rule was strictly enforced, as Dan would usually have at least one bodyguard with him at meetups.

This lessened the speculation for a short while, but of course, it eventually arose again regarding _why_ this was the case, and that was something that Dan didn’t plan on telling anyone.

Nowadays, though, most of the talk about him is when he dyes his hair a new pastel colour, or is spotted outside doing whatever mundane task he’s chosen to get done that day. Dan doesn’t think of himself as much. Sure he doesn’t exactly look “normal,” with his pink hair, snakebites and septum piercing, and pastel clothes, and he has a recording contract with one of the biggest record labels in the world, but other than that he’s rather ordinary. He’ll spend most of his time alone at home, playing Guild Wars, watching Game of Thrones, eating crisps until he gets a stomachache, or browsing social media for hours on end. He’ll also take videos of Kai and post them on his Twitter sometimes, to the point that his followers have started calling him a crazy cat lady.

People are often confused by how happy he seems online in comparison to the dark lyrics of his music. Channeling his thoughts through his music has always helped as a coping mechanism. He rarely cries anymore, but that might just be due to pushing down all of his emotions to the point where he hardly feels anything anymore. He’s used to it though, it’s become the norm for him, to the point where he can’t remember what it’s like to feel anything but empty.

His latest album had been celebrated by his followers as his happiest yet, although it really wasn’t much more than songs written about a life he dreams of living one day. His followers picked up on the undertones of longing and knew that the songs were only some fantasy, but to most that didn’t matter. They saw it as him looking hopefully towards the future as opposed to dwelling on whatever caused the sad tone of his earlier music.

In reality, he had simply felt it would be too repetitive to make multiple albums centered around his past, and he had been in a state where he was looking towards a brighter future. He finds it unlikely that his dreams will ever actually become a reality, or at the least it won’t happen any time soon. There was one song on the album, though, which he hopes more than anything, will come true. His song “ _eternity_ ” was the highest grossing on the album, and it was always his personal favourite. The lyrics are about finding a place where you’d feel safe staying in for eternity, and what the place is is never specified, seeing as he’s yet to find his safe place.

The song has become so popular that he’s now in the process of filming a music video for it, and he’d been glad that of all the songs on the album, this was the one that was getting it’s own video. This is his first time making a music video, although it’s obviously not his first time in front of a camera. He’s not entirely used to having a whole camera crew to help film him lip syncing to his own music just yet, but he’s adjusting. They’ve filmed small clips of the video so far, mostly of things relating to childhood memories mentioned within the song. Those bits are easily shot in London or other parts of the UK, but due to how Dan envisions the video, they’d be traveling in order to film most of it. To be more specific, the crew has to fly halfway around the world to Tokyo.

It wasn’t like this bothers Dan, quite the opposite really. He’s always wanted to visit Japan, and his time had finally come. It was daunting, however, that he’d have to spend the entire 12 hour flight alone. He may be twenty four, but flying isn’t something he’s great with. He’ll at least be able to share it with his subscribers by doing a travel vlog of sorts, but he can’t exactly film the entire flight.

So here he is, attempting to cram his jumpers and various electronics cables into a most likely undersized suitcase, considering he’ll be away for two weeks. He’d of course left his packing to the last minute, and his flight was in three hours. The travel time from his flat to the airport was only around half an hour, but his taxi is supposed to arrive in mere minutes already.

The one thing he’s glad he doesn’t have to worry about at this time is Kai, as he’d arranged for his friend Louise in catsit for him while he’s away. She’d come over the day before to pick her up, and Dan had made some tweet about how he misses the feline already (only to be met with thousands more crazy cat lady jokes).

He manages to zip up his suitcase after sitting on it to keep it shut, before quickly grabbing his jacket and carry-on bag before darting down his hallway as quickly as his out of shape body allows. He pulls the suitcase down the stairs, letting it land with a thud on each step, pulling his arms through the sleeves of his jacket as he goes. He stops momentarily inside his door, checking to make sure that he has his phone and keys with him, before exiting his flat and hurriedly locking the door behind him.

The taxi ride is relatively uneventful, mostly just consisting of him avoiding any social interaction with the driver by putting his earbuds in the second he gets in.

The airport isn’t extremely crowded to his delight. Most of the people Dan sees around him are businessmen who appear to be running solely on coffee and whiney kids who’s parents look to have had their patience worn thin. Not many people appear to be around the general age demographic of people who listen to his music. He’s tired, despite it only being 7pm, and he doesn’t exactly want any of his listeners to have to deal with him when sleep deprived.

Not much later, Dan finds himself waiting by the gate for his flight. He had managed to arrive and get through security with about half an hour to spare, so now he’s left to try and occupy himself with something until he can get on the plane. On instinct he pulls out his phone and types up a tweet, quickly posting it. Really he was only doing it so he could read through the replies, as they always seemed to be entertaining.

**@djhmusic: actually managed to arrive early for my flight to japan. either this is some sort of miracle or i’m dreaming.**

Most replies are from people telling him he’s probably still asleep, some other taking an opportunity to ask other slightly related questions, such as “what will you do on the flight?”, “how many screaming children are around you?”, and “WAIT WHAT ABOUT KAI?” He responds to a few of these questions, smiling to himself as he reads replies from people wishing him a good flight and overall stay in Japan.

Eventually he hears a grainy voice come over the intercom, announcing that they will shortly begin letting people onto the plane. Dan looks up, setting his phone to airplane mode before replacing it in his pocket and picking up his backpack. He rises to his feet as he slides the bag onto his shoulder, before making his way over to the entrance.

Dan finds his way to his seat quickly, stretching out his legs and attempting to make himself as comfortable as possible. The first class seating gave him space at least, although that didn’t really help his nerves over having to be on a plane for twelve hours by himself. He slides his backpack under his seat, and pulls out his headphones, putting them over his ears and beginning to play the 1975 whilst the flight attendants to go into their whole safety spiel. He’s heard it countless times due to the amount of traveling he does for both tours and YouTube events, so he doesn’t bother paying attention anymore (that doesn’t stop him from feigning focus on their demonstration as not to appear rude).

He feels the plane moving and watches out the window as the massive vehicle navigates through the runway area. The sun is beginning to set, and he won’t arrive in Tokyo until it’s 3pm there.

He shuts his eyes and turns up his music as the plane takes off, focusing on the beat of the baseline as opposed to the violent shaking of the plane as it ascends. Dan fiddles with his snakebites using his tongue, a nervous habit he’d developed back when he got them eight years ago. He can feel some of the people in the surrounding area casting glances over at him, and he honestly can’t blame them. He doesn’t really look much like the business workers occupying the rest of first class, with his baby blue jumper, white skinny jeans, and curly mess of pastel pink hair.

He doesn’t really appreciate the looks either though, so he opens his eyes and shoots a look at the woman sitting across the aisle from him, and she quickly averts her eyes to the book in her lap, looking flustered. He rolls his eyes, looking back out the window and seeing that they’re now level with the ground. As a softer song begins playing, he hears the end of an announcement saying it’s now okay to take out electronic devices.

Dan immediately pulls his laptop out of his bag, along with his vlogging camera. He gets a shot of the clouds outside his plane window, accompanied by the sunset. Glancing around to make sure that no one is watching, he turns the camera to capture his face.

“So, we’ve only just taken off about fifteen minutes ago, so there’s still about, erm, eleven and a half hours left of the flight. Finger crossed I don’t die of boredom,” he says in a hushed tone, before ending the video and putting the camera back in his bag. He feels slightly weird vlogging in such a quiet area, especially when around people he doesn’t know but will still have to share company with for twelve whole hours.

He then begins going through the contents of his laptop, opening up documents containing unused song lyrics or concept art for his older albums. Looking back on his old work is something he usually does in order to find inspiration for new songs, but on occasion he simply likes to look back and reflect on his older lyrics.

Not much has really changed since then, other than being a bit more hopeful and having a much larger audience on the receiving end of his music.

* * *

 

For the rest of the flight, Dan stays on his laptop, letting his Spotify playlist repeat a few times. Every few hours he orders a coffee to keep himself awake, and he watches as the sun rises. By the time the plane lands, he’s convinced that his blood is about 99% caffeine.

Luckily, it doesn’t take long to get off the plane, gather his luggage, exchange enough of his cash to last him the day, and call a taxi to take him to his hotel. To add on to the luck of it all, no one recognizes him, and he doesn’t have to do any filming for another two days, so he has tomorrow to look around and go to shops. After all, the main reason he was excited to be here was how much of a self-proclaimed weeabo he is.

The second he gets to his hotel room he collapses on the bed, burying his face in the fresh sheets and letting out a deep sigh. He needs to stay awake at least until eight in order to not entirely fuck up his mind. He knows how jet lag works after traveling so much, and despite his sleep schedule already being complete shit, he wants to keep at least a bit on track.

He pulls out his laptop, along with his outlet adaptor and charger. All of his battery had been drained, leaving him with mostly nothing to do other than listen to music halfway through the flight.

Once the computer turns on, Dan finds himself browsing tumblr and Twitter, catching up on what he missed whilst on his flight and looking through some of his follower’s accounts. His body is in some sort of maelstrom, as he feels simultaneously exhausted and hyped up on caffeine, so he decides he’d rather not walk around whilst in this state.

So that’s how he spends the rest of the day, browsing the internet, revising lyrics for possible songs, and ordering room service. Eventually, however, the exhaustion overtakes him, and he falls asleep with his laptop still open on his thighs.

* * *

 

Going to the Studio Ghibli Museum is probably one of the things he’s looked forward to the most, so of course he visits on his first proper day in Japan. Whilst the actual museum itself is incredible, he spends a great deal of time in the gift shop as well. He manages to get a Calcifer coaster, as well as a cat bus plushie, managing to restrain himself from buying literally everything in sight. He’s sure he’ll be buying much more as the trip progresses, especially seeing as he hasn’t even visited the Pokemon Centre or Akihabara yet.

He had taken a selfie with the statue outside of a Castle in the Sky robot and posted it on Instagram, but he’s yet to actually look through the replies. The sky had chosen today to release a downpour on Tokyo, so he has to carry around a clear umbrella with him. It definitely could have been worse; he could have chosen to go to Yoyogi Park that day.

He makes his way through the exit, opening his umbrella and clutching his bag to his side. As he walks past the people milling around, mostly those with families and a few younger children, he glances around him. The outside of the museum is very beautiful, much like most other places in Tokyo. Dan’s been blown away by much of what he’s seen in the first day of his stay, mostly by how much the city contrasts to London.

Then he spots him; a man, roughly the same height as himself, with a black fringe and wearing a silvery coat. Dan freezes, because he recognizes the man, of course he does. His mind has gone into overdrive because _holy shit that is Phil Lester, the YouTuber he’s watched since he was seventeen._ Without much of second thought he begins walking towards him. He has no idea what he’s going to say but he knows he has to take this chance, there’s no way that anything like this will ever happen again.

And then he’s standing in front of him. Phil seems to have all of his attention focused on his phone, so Dan momentarily pauses before speaking.

“Um, excuse me?” he says a bit awkwardly, and the second Phil’s eyes meet his he feels his heart speed up to a scarily fast pace. It takes a moment but the other boy’s eyes widen slightly and he quickly corrects his posture quite a bit.

“Oh, erm, hi! Are you… Dan Howell?” he asks, and it’s Dan’s turn to feel shocked, because _Phil fucking Lester knows who he is_.

“Yeah, wow, you know who I am?” he says, mentally slapping himself because yes he obviously knows who he is, he just said his name didn’t he?

“Of course! Your music is incredible, your songs are some of my favourites!” Phil responds energetically, the initial shock fading to be replaced by a grin that makes Dan’s knees feel weak.

“Wow, I, uh, never thought I’d hear you of all people say that. I’ve watched your videos since 2008,” Dan says, and the two stand in silence for a moment, staring at each other.

“Do you want to go to a cafe and talk? It’d probably be better than standing here in the rain,” Phil suggests and Dan nods, flushing a bit as he realizes that they’ve just been standing in the pouring rain for the past five minutes.

“Y-yeah, that sounds good. I think there’s a Starbucks nearby.”

They begin walking together in silence, and Dan’s pretty sure he’s having an internal meltdown. What does he say? He’s never been good at talking to people, and even if he knows quite a bit about Phil from watching his videos all these years, he doesn’t _know him_ as a person. What if he’s completely different from how he acts on camera? What if he’s a total dick?

“Uh, Dan? Is this the Starbucks you were talking about?” he hears Phil ask, and suddenly he’s yanked away from his thoughts.

“Oh, erm, yeah I think so.”

The store is relatively quiet, only a few people sat at the tables and a couple getting drinks. It doesn’t take long for them to place and receive their orders, Phil getting a cookie frappuccino and Dan ordering a yoghurt with blended fruit. It isn’t until they find a seat that either of them attempts to initiate a conversation.

“So you actually watch my videos?” Phil asks, taking a sip from his drink.

“Yeah, although I’ve kind of simmered down to a more casual viewer since when I started watching you eight years ago,” he says.

“You used to stan me, then?”

Dan splutters, coughing on the drink he’d been in the midst of swallowing. Maybe that wasn’t the best way to start off a conversation.

“Erm, kind of?” he admits, feeling himself go a bit red. Oh god has he ruined everything? But then Phil laughs, shooting him a gentle smile.

“Don’t worry, I’m flattered, honestly,” he says, and relief instantly washes over Dan. “I’m really shocked though, as I’ve listened to your music since 2010.”

Dan’s eyes widen in shock. Since 2010? So Phil’s been listening to his work for around six years now?

“Oh, w-wow. This is so surreal, jesus.”

“You’re telling me.”

“You know, it’s quite strange that we’ve met in Tokyo of all places,” Dan points out, and Phil frowns, obviously confused. “Don’t we both live in London?”

“Oh! Yeah, that is weird. Huh,” Phil says. “I’m just here on a holiday of sorts. I’ve always wanted to visit Japan, so I kind of impulse bought plane tickets a few weeks ago, and so here I am.”

“I’m here for a music video shoot, but I extended my stay because Japan has been a dream holiday of mine for as long as I can remember,” Dan explains, setting down his drink.

“Oh yeah, aren’t you shooting the video for “eternity” right now? That’s one of my favourite songs of yours,” Phil says, perking up.

“Yeah, how’d you know that?”

“I work with BBC Radio 1 as well as handling my YouTube channel, so I’m usually pretty up to date on things happening in the music industry,” Phil explains, before taking a long drink from his frappuccino.

“That sounds like it’s fun.”

“It is. Things can get a bit hectic from time to time but I love working there. It also means I get to interview big music groups so that’s a huge plus.”

“Interviews can be pretty terrifying, at least on my side of the situation,” Dan says, and Phil nods.

“Trust me, it’s unbelievably scary from my side, too. Mainly being afraid of them being offended by my questions.”

“Well I can assure you, at least for me, I’m fine with almost all questions as long as they don’t dig into my personal life.”

“Good to know.”

They continue to talk, shocking themselves again and again by how many common interests they seem to have; from animes, to movies and TV shows, to books, to video games, they seem to have mostly identical likes and dislikes. Dan finds himself shocked by how easily he slips into conversation with Phil, and that he feels almost completely at ease around him, which is a rare occurrence for him.

They’re in the midst of discussing their favourite animes when it happens. Phil seems to focus on something on Dan’s head, and upon noticing, he stop speaking.

“What are you-” he begins to ask, but is quickly cut off.

“There’s a leaf in your hair, here let me get it,” Phil says, reaching forward. However, just as his hand is about to make contact, Dan lurches backwards in his seat. Phil sits with his hand still outstretched, mouth opened slightly, and they stare at each other, eyes wide. Dan shrinks in on himself, looking down and tightly crossing his arms.

“Sorry,” he murmurs. “I really don’t like people touching me.”

Phil stares at him, a confused look upon his face, but he nods, pursing his lips. There’s a silence between them for a few moments before Dan looks up to meet his gaze.

“Please don’t take it personally, I don’t even let my family touch me. It just… brings back bad memories,” he explains.

“It’s fine, I understand, don’t worry,” Phil says, giving him a reassuring smile. Dan slowly releases his grip on his sides, returning the smile with a bit hesitation. He isn’t pushing, which he’s extraordinarily grateful for. It’s rare for him to find someone who doesn’t try and force a reason out of him or finds him strange, especially with how centered their society is around soulmates. He reaches up and pulls the leaf out of his hair, throwing the leaf to the ground and picking up his drink once again.

“So, what were you saying about ‘Free!’?” Phil asks.

* * *

 

“Okay that was good, let’s all take a ten minute break,” the director calls out and Dan lets out a deep breath. They’d been filming for around three hours, and Dan he’d be lying if he said he isn’t a bit bored. Repeatedly mouthing along to parts of your own song for hours on end isn’t exactly the most entertaining way to spend your time. Despite that, he knows it’ll be worth it when he sees the end product.

They had gotten a permit weeks ago to close off an area of Shinjuku Gyoen for the shoot, and it’s absolutely beautiful this time of year. The cherry blossoms are in full bloom, and the park itself is considered one of the best places to view them in Tokyo. He’s glad they had managed the get this place for filming as it’s exactly how he had pictured it.

“How’re you doing?” asks a familiar voice. He turns to look at Phil, a smile on his face.

“Tired, but I think things are going well. What about you, are you bored yet?” he teases, which simply earns him an eyeroll. When he had told Phil they’d be filming today, he had almost immediately asked if he could come watch the shoot. Dan had told him that it most likely isn’t going to be all that fun, but Phil had been adamant, saying he ‘wants to get a first-hand behind-the-scenes experience.’

“Not at all, it’s really interesting. It nice getting to see how much time and effort is put into the filming of these things.”

“Really? You seem to be more engaged in this than I am and it’s my music video,” Dan says, walking over to the small snack table set up. He grabs a bottle of water and a bag of crisps, turning to face Phil once again.

“Well I’ve never seen a shoot before and this could be a once in a lifetime opportunity, so excuse me for being excited,” he laughs, picking up a water for himself. Dan shakes his head, smiling to himself.

Over the past two days he and Phil had bonded quite a lot. They’d decided to go to a bunch of the stores they had both ended up wanting to go to, including the Pokemon Centre. He’d learned that Phil is the sort of person who splurges quite a lot on holidays, as while Dan was fairly controlled and had only bought a few items, Phil had been grabbing things off the shelf left and right, claiming he “needed” them.

“So, when do you wrap up filming for today, again?” Phil asks, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Probably in another hour or so. There’ll be a bit more in the shoot tomorrow, but that one will be a lot shorter than this.”

“Cool, I’ll come tomorrow then.”

Dan raises his eyebrows in slight disbelief. There’s no way that Phil actually wants to come to both days of the boring shoot. Why would he want to spend two days of his most likely once in a lifetime trip sat watching Dan lipsyncing while people hurry around throwing cherry blossom petals at him and move the large fans positioned towards him? Actually, on second thought that may look a bit funny, but not for nearly five hours.

“By the way, do you want to walk around together when you’re done? It’d be nice to see the other parts of the park, seeing as it’s considered such a great spot to view the cherry blossoms,” Phil says, looking him in the eyes. He feels a small fluttering sensation in his stomach as their eyes meet, but he chooses to ignore it.

“Sure, we could also head over to Yoyogi Park afterwards, I’ve been meaning to visit,” Dan replies, smiling.

“Sounds good.”

“Alright everyone, let’s get back into it! We only have a few more shots we need to make for today, so let’s get it done,” he hears the director call. He sighs, setting down his water and does a small two fingered salute to Phil as he turns to head back to filming. He then proceeds to mentally slap himself because that was probably the stupidest and most awkward thing he’s ever done.

Behind his back however, Phil chuckles fondly, watching Dan walk back over to talk to the director.

* * *

 

It’s nearly three when the shoot concludes for the day, and to Dan’s amusement Phil has managed to fall asleep in one of the plastic chairs. His chin is resting on his chest and his lips are parted slightly. He guesses that six in the morning isn’t exactly Phil’s usual wake-up time.

Before waking him, he quickly swaps out the white jumper he’s wearing for the shoot for a cozier baby blue one. He leaves the white jumper folded up on the props table before walking back over to Phil’s sleeping form.

“Rise and shine, Philip, the year is 2036, all life on earth has been replaced by robots and you’re the last living human,” he says, dropping a water bottle on his lap. Phil gives a confused groan, squinting at the sudden light before rubbing his eyes.

“Whas happnin,” he mumbles, massaging his neck with a frown.

“The shoot’s over for now. We’re free to get lost as we please.”

“Did I really sleep through the entire rest of the shoot?” Phil questions.

“No, I think you’ve only been out for around forty-five minutes. Don’t worry, all you missed is me fucking up a certain pose like twenty times.”

“Well now I’m disappointed. I’m sure that would have been an entertaining sight to see.”

The two walk away from the closed off area of the park, waving goodbye to the crew packing up for the day. They’re quickly enraptured by the beauty of the sakura, gazing up at the gorgeous blossoms. A few petals fall occasionally, and Dan is sure they must be adding to the ones already caught in his curls from the shoot. Sunlight trickles through the gaps in the branches, casting dancing shadows on the path before them.

Walking underneath the cherry blossoms at this time of year has been on Dan’s bucket list for a few years, and now he’s finally doing it. Not that he really has a proper bucket list, more so just a gathering of mental notes on things he wants to do.

He manages to pull his gaze away from the flowers for a moment to turn to look to his companion, but once again he finds himself entranced, although this time not by the trees around him. He’s entranced by the way the sunlight falls upon Phil’s face, how it occasionally catches his eyes and the bright cerulean becomes infinitely more aweing. He’s entranced by the look of joyous wonder his features express. He can feel his pulse quickening, and the warm fluttery feeling in his stomach.

He forces himself to look away, however, wiping the fond smile from his face and steeling himself. The fluttering means nothing, it _can’t_ mean anything. If Phil notices his change of expression, he doesn’t mention it.

They all too quickly reach the metro, trying their best to read the map to figure out which line to take to get to Yoyogi Park. Dan eventually gives up and uses Google Maps, and they find themselves on their way to the park. Phil was going on about how they should go see the Meiji Jingu Temple, and Dan simply nodded along, not really putting much focus into the conversation. He’s more so focusing on banishing any thoughts he had of how pretty Phil looked under the sakura to the back of his mind.

The metro isn’t particularly busy, so it’s easy for them to get a mostly empty car. They both sit, but Phil makes sure to leave room between his and Dan’s thighs, which he’s thankful for. The trip is decently long, lasting nearly thirty minutes. In that time Dan and Phil exchange quiet conversation, as it doesn’t feel right to disturb the quiet of the car, even if the only three people in it are sat on the other end.

Dan eagerly exits the station, followed closely by Phil, and they walk together into the park. Dan finds himself gazing out at the park in front of him, mouth left slightly ajar.

“How the hell is everything in Tokyo so beautiful?” he asks, drawing Phil’s gaze. “The architecture is gorgeous, the variation of muted pastel colours in everything? It make London seem like utter shit in comparison.”

“Well, I’d say that England is generally horrible in comparison to here. Not much can beat Tokyo, at least in my eyes,” Phil replies, and Dan hums in agreement.

“I honestly wish I could live here instead. Everything is so much more beautiful, I could have sushi every day, and it _is_ the place of origin for anime.”

“I’m pretty sure you’d die of like, sushi poisoning… sushi overdose.”

“Sushi overload.”

“I wonder if that’s a real thing?”

“I’m pretty sure if you were to eat too many tuna rolls you could overdose due to the mercury content.”

Phil gives him an incredulous look, to which his response is to start giggling uncontrollably, covering his mouth with his hand.

“Why do you know that? How do you even find that out?”

“I dunno, I think it was just random 4am Wikipedia browsing.”

“Well at least now I know not to eat too many tuna rolls,” Phil says, chuckling softly.

The start walking through the park, pointing out strange things they spot, such as the man who wasn’t wearing a shirt and had on what appeared to be boxing gloves, or the giant raven the kept squawking at them from a tree.

Eventually they reach the entrance gate into Meiji Jingu, and Dan can’t help but stand back and take a picture of the large structure. Phil, of course manages to get into the corner of the shot, but in Dan’s opinion it makes the picture look all the nicer.

They wash their hands at the station before entering into the temple. They walk around together, Dan continuing to appreciate the beautiful architecture of the temple, and they eventually go into the shop. They both immediately have their interest taken by a selection of charms. Phil grabs the charm granting good luck after a minute of thought, but Dan remains a little longer before picking out the charms that protects one from evil.

“Hey Dan, we should do these wish board things!” he hears Phil say, and he turns to see Phil holding up a wooden board with small patterns decorating the edges. “You write a wish on it and then hang it on the wall outside. Supposedly it works.”

“Eh, why not?” he replies, going and picking up his own board. They both pay before they head over to the wall. Phil seems to know what he wants to write immediately, but Dan is left to mull over in his head. What could he possibly wish for? He glances back to the man next to him, who’s biting his lip in a clear attempt to concentrate, his fringe hanging across his forehead. With little more thought, he knows what he wishes for.

_I wish that Phil and I will remain friends even after this trip is over._

(Little does he know, Phil wishes the same thing.)

* * *

 Later that night, they find themselves at the base of the Skytree. Dan had to strain his neck in order to look up all the way to the top.

“Holy shit that’s tall,” he says, earning a giggle from Phil.

“Well it’s the second tallest building in the world, after all,” he points out, and Dan continues to look up at the top in wonder.

The line takes a while, but eventually they’re in a lift on their way to the top. They’ve managed to get one all to themselves, so Dan isn’t forced into contact with anyone. They look upwards and gasp at the lights along the sides, staring out through the glass roof. Dan lowers his gaze, looking over at Phil, watching him grin up towards the top of the tower.

He realizes with a start that in that moment he felt comfortable, _safe_ even, with Phil next to him, and he immediately looks at the ground, face flushing red. Fortunately, the lights around them change from green to red, masking his blush.

As they reach the top Phil rushes towards the window, eager to look out on the city. Dan follows behind him and they stand together looking out on the lights of the busy city beneath them.

“Wow,” Phil breathes, and Dan simply nods. There aren’t words to describe the beauty of Tokyo at night. The heights aren’t nearly as bad as he‘d expected, seeing as he’s too preoccupied by the sight to think about just how high up they are.

“Hey Dan, look, glass floors,” Phil calls, and he looks up startled. He hadn’t even noticed that Phil had left his side.

“Dare you to jump,” he says, and Phil opens his mouth as if to protest but then looks down at his feet. He hops slightly before quickly dashing back onto the solid flooring, and Dan laughs, earning a joking glare from Phil.

“Shut up, you know how terrifying that is!” he whines, and Dan simply covers his grin absently with his hand, attempting to wipe it from his face but ultimately failing.

They stay on the roof for a while longer, walking around the small area and attempting to see the city from every view possible, taking a few pictures for Instagram and pointing out strangely constructed buildings. Dan can’t help but stay close to Phil the whole time, of course never touching, keeping far enough away that Dan still feels safe. They eventually find themselves on their way back to the bottom, and neither of them can stop the smiles evading their features.

* * *

 The next morning’s shoot has a call time for 4:30am and Dan is less than pleased by this. Seeing as they wanted to film at sunrise, he of course had to get up early, but that doesn’t mean he’s happy about it. When he finally makes his way into Shinjuku Gyoen, clutching a cup of coffee in one hand and his hair lazily strewn across his forehead, he’s surprised to see Phil already there, sipping a coffee of his own.

“Hey!” he greets cheerfully, as if it isn’t 4:35 in the morning.

“How the fuck are you so awake right now? It’s so early.”

“Oh trust me I’m not a morning person, I’ve already had two cups though, so I’m running purely on caffeine,” he explains, holding up his coffee before taking a long drink from it.

“I haven’t been awake long enough for the effects to set in, give me like twenty minutes and I might be somewhere near the functionality of a normal human being,” Dan says with a yawn, sitting down next to Phil.

People begin coming over and handing him foundations and concealers, as well as a mirror and hairspray. He fixes himself up, putting on the makeup with ease and fixing his hair to his liking.

“Why do you do all of this stuff yourself? Shouldn’t other people be doing it for you?” Phil asks, tilting his head in confusion.

“With most other musicians they would, but these people know I don’t want others touching me so I was taught how to do all of this stuff myself. I’ve had to do it ever since I started doing tours and events,” he says, lightly applying the hairspray to his curls.

“Huh, never really thought about that. It’s a good skill to know, though.”

Dan simply hums in agreement.

The shoot starts quickly, as soon as the sky begins to lighten he’s in front of the camera and lip syncing again. He’s glad that no one from the public is allowed into the park until they’re done filming, as it’d probably be a bit strange and irritating to hear random bursts of a song as you’re trying to view the cherry blossoms. They go over a few bits that Dan had slipped up on the day previously, redoing them and finishing up the few parts left.

Then, after what feels like almost no time, they’re done, and the sun has now risen fully. The crew lets out a cheer and there’s a short period of applause before they all begin talking animatedly to each other. Dan however, works his way back over to Phil, who this time is actually awake to greet him with a smile.

“That was really great, good job,” he says, and Dan smiles at him and shrugs.

“I guess. I’m too tired right now to actually think too much about it though. Would you want to come back to my hotel room and just relax now that this shitstorm is over?”

“Yeah, sure!” Phil replies, his smile becoming even wider than before, if that’s even possible.

Dan pulls off his jumper, replacing it with the soft lilac one he’d arrived in. He grabs a makeup remover wipe from the supplies table and rubs off the makeup previously adorning his features. He may look about twenty times better with it on, but if he doesn’t take it off now, he’ll most definitely forget later, just as he almost had the night previously.

And then, just as he’s about to tell Phil he’s ready to go, he finds himself face-to-face with one of his managers, Damian, who had come along to oversee the shoot.

“Dan! You did great, I’m sure you’re glad that this is over,” he exclaims, and his gaze falls upon Phil. “Oh, who’s this?”

Dan notices the questioning glint in his eyes, and he glares at him. His managers are always curious, just as anyone, whenever they meet a new friend of his. The problem is that it’s always for the same reason, the same thing that controls their entire existence

“Damian, this is my _friend_ Phil. Phil, this is one of my managers, Damian,” Dan says, and the two shake hands.

“Nice to meet you,” Phil says, giving him a friendly grin.

“And you. It’s always nice to meet a friend of Dan’s,” Damian says, and then he turns back to face Dan. “So, I just wanted to let you know you’ve been approved for a new album. There’s no set deadline or anything like that, it’s all at your own pace, just as you like it.”

Dan simply nods. As of right now, he has little to no ideas for an album theme, but he has interest in making another album. He can always finish up some of the song lyrics left on his laptop, but there’s a reason those have gone unused for so long.

“Alright, good to know. Do I have to stay any longer? I’m exhausted, so Phil and I were gonna head to my hotel room and relax.”

“Yeah, you’re free to go. Since this is the last shoot you have all the time you want,” Damian says, flicking through a clipboard he’s carrying with him. “Just keep the album in mind, yeah?”

“Yes _mum_ ,” Dan replies, rolling his eyes. “See you back in London, Damian.”

“Bye, Dan.”

Damian then leaves them, and Dan quickly turns back to Phil with a smile.

“Come on, let’s go,” he says, and they begin walking back towards Dan’s hotel. Dan had been booked a hotel merely a few blocks from the park, so it’s unnecessary for them to call a taxi or use the Metro.

“Is Damian nice?” Phil asks, breaking the comfortable silence.

“I guess you could say that. I might consider us kind of friends but we’re not extremely close.”

“Oh. You seemed a bit short with him, that’s why I was wondering.”

“I’m a bit short with nearly everyone when I’m tired, tbh,” Dan says, putting his hands in his pockets. Phil pauses momentarily before speaking again.

“Did you just say ‘tbh’, in real life?” he asks incredulously, and Dan’s only response is bursting into a fit of giggles.

* * *

The trip goes by all too quickly, and Dan finds himself standing in the airport once again. Of course he’s upset, but it makes him feel better knowing that at least he isn’t saying goodbye to Phil just yet.

As it so happens, Phil had booked the same flight back as he had, so they’d be flying back together. They both have first class seating, but unfortunately on opposite sides of the cabin. Dan feels a bit safer having Phil with him, although right now, Phil still hasn’t arrived.

The flight leaves in about an hour, and Phil has reassured Dan that there’s just a bit of traffic and he isn’t far from the airport, but he’s still impatiently waiting for his friend to be at his side again. Everything just feels so much… _nicer_ … when he’s with him, for lack of a better word. He doesn’t feel as secure when Phil isn’t with him, which is strange seeing as he’s never felt this way with Louise, or any of his other friends.

He’s sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair, moving his phone from hand to hand and occasionally running his fingers through his hair. He has his bag on his lap as something to clutch onto and is wearing a pastel pink hoodie, the hood drawn up over his head. All of his nervous ticks are emerging and he doesn’t like it.

“Dan?” he hears, and it isn’t the voice that he’s grown accustom to over the past two weeks of his stay here. No, it’s much higher and softer in intonation, and one he doesn’t know. Oh no.

He looks up to see in front of him a girl, most likely around uni age, looking at him with wide eyes.

“Hi there!” he says, standing up and plastering on his best fake smile.

“Oh my god, I never thought I’d meet you, I’ve lived here in Japan my whole life and I’m just traveling to Ireland to visit some friends!” she says excitedly. “Can I get a picture?”

“Yeah, sure! I can take it, my arms are freakishly long,” he says, and she hands him her phone. He quickly take some selfies with her before handing her back the phone. She tells him something about how she loves his music and listens to him all the time, but he’s having trouble paying attention, focusing more on controlling his breathing. It’s not a panic attack, but he’s close. He simply nods along and smiles, trying to feign attention.

“I’ll leave you to it then, I have to catch my flight,” she says suddenly, and he can’t help but let relief wash over him. “Thank you so much for talking to me, sorry if I bothered you.”

“No no, it’s fine! Have a good flight!” he replies, giving her one last fake smile before she walks away. He quickly falls back into his chair, his legs shaking and his breathing slightly unsteady. He was so close to having a panic attack in the middle of a fucking airport, and in front of one of his viewers, nonetheless. That could have been a complete disaster.

“Dan?”

This time it’s the voice he’s been expecting. He looks up to see Phil standing over him, wearing a California Republic hoodie and a pair of black framed glasses.

“Hi,” he responds feebly, and the look of concern he’s giving him grows.

“What happened? You look really shaken up,” he asks, sitting down next to him and taking his bag off.

“Nothing really, someone recognized me and I’m having a bad anxiety day,” Dan mumbles, looking down at his lap and propping up his head with his hand.

“That doesn’t sound like ‘nothing really.’ Is there anything I can do to help?” he asks, and Dan doesn’t need to look up to know that Phil’s worried, he can gather so much from his tone.

“Some water would be nice but other than that I should be fine,” he says, and he hears Phil get up and run off to find a concession booth. It take only a few minutes before Phil’s jogging back and handing him a bottle of water.

“I’ll pay you it back, how much did it cost?” Dan says, reaching to pull his wallet from his bag.

“No, Dan it’s on me, don’t worry about it,” Phil says, stopping him.

“But-”

“Seriously, it’s fine.”

So Dan gives in, accepting the water and glad that Phil’s finally here again.

* * *

 

The flight has only just taken off and Dan’s already getting antsy. He can’t even see Phil from his seat due to the barriers, so he’s pissed off and anxious at the same time. He’s bought access to the airline’s shitty internet, but he’s finding few things that can actually distract him from not being next to Phil despite being only a few metres away from him. How the hell is he supposed to survive the whole twelve hour flight if he can’t last five minutes?

Then, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulls it out only to see a new text from Phil.

**From: Phil**

**Are you as bored as I am?**

Dan smiles. Why didn’t he think of that? He has internet, so he can use iMessage to text Phil.

**To: Phil**

**Yeah, it’s only been like 5 minutes, too lmao**

So they start texting back and forth, talking about random things, what they have scheduled for when they get back to London, how they honestly don’t want to leave Tokyo, and Phil ends up bringing up house plants at some point, which Dan presumes must be a hobby of his.

They manage to pass a few hours this way, bouncing back and forth between different topics and making bad jokes. Phil suggests attempting to sync up a movie to watch together in order to pass time, which Dan agrees to. The settle on Big Hero Six, as they both enjoy it and it’s one of the few movies on here that they are even partially interested in. Syncing it up isn’t extremely hard, and so they spend the next two hours enjoying the movie.

By the time they’ve finished, the stewardess is coming around and offering dinner menus. Everything on it seems ridiculously fancy, so he goes with the simplest thing on the list, which happens to be a soup. He doesn’t expect much, seeing as it’s airline food, but it turns out to be decent enough.

He and Phil continue texting during their dinner, but once he’s finished his meal and more time passes, Dan begins to feel more and more tired. His jet lag is telling him that it’s nearly ten, which isn’t extremely late but it’s late enough, especially when taking the incident from earlier into consideration.

**From: Phil**

**I’m getting tired. I think I’m gonna try and sleep for a while.**

Dan’s face falls a bit at that.

**To: Phil**

**GL messing up your sleep schedule more.**

He attempts to sound lighthearted, and it must work because after ten minutes he still hasn’t received a reply. Letting out a defeated sigh, he pulls his laptop back out of his bag.

He orders his first coffee of the trip and pulls up one of his unfinished song lyric documents. The thought of making a new album is all that occupies his mind as he attempt to think of something, anything that can be turned into lyrics. Right now, however, he has no inspiration. He pulls out a pair of headphones, placing them over his head and opening Spotify. He always listens to his old music when trying to think of new lyrics, as it gives him something to work with.

An hour passes and no new words are displayed on the screen in front of him. He gives up, closing out of the document and opening up his Twitter.

**@djhmusic: i’m on a flight and have nothing to do please entertain me**

A storm of replies floods his mentions, mostly people saying random things, tweeting him pictures of the pets, or posing in his pastel merch. He decides to scroll through and reply to a ton of people, continuing to play his old music through his headphones.

As he’s replying to one person who tweeted him a picture of their shiba inu, he listens to the lyrics of one of his deepest songs, paying a bit more attention to the sound of his own voice from over three years ago.

_"Life is ever-changing, yet I’m stuck here waiting, for the day that I can move on.”_

* * *

 There’s a dull thud as Dan accidentally knocks over his tripod, which thankfully doesn’t have his camera on it. He’s attempting to put some of his things away in order to make his flat appear neat, seeing as he hasn’t cleaned for a couple months.

It’s been a couple weeks since he returned from Tokyo, and to his relief he and Phil have only grown closer. Dan has visited Phil’s flat a few times already, and usually they’d just talk, play video games, and watch anime. Now, Phil is coming over to his flat for the first time and he’s desperate to make it appear mostly nice and not like a pigsty.

Kai pads into the room and meows, rubbing up against Dan’s leg while purring. He smiles and reaches down to stroke her back.

“Hello there. You get to meet a new friend today,” he says softly, and as if on cue the buzzer goes off. “That ought to be him.”

He glances around the room as one last check to make sure things are mostly in order before hurrying down the hall to the stairs. As he reaches the door he takes a deep breath and attempts to school his features. It’s no use however, as a grin spreads across his face the moment he opens the door and is once again face to face with Phil.

“Hey! Come on, I’ve got Magi ready upstairs, if you wanna get right into that,” he says, moving up the stairs so Phil can properly enter the flat. He shuts the door behind him and smiles up the stairs.

“Sounds good. You have any snacks?” he asks.

“Probably have some popcorn, I’d have to prepare it, though.”

“Sounds good.”

They make their way onto the main floor of the flat and almost immediately a meowing Kai makes her way around the corner.

“Wait you have a cat? Dan I’m allergic!” Phil says, looking over at Dan in dismay.

“Oh! Don’t worry about it, she’s hypoallergenic,” he says quickly, ducking down and scooping up the purring feline.

“Hypoallergenic?”

“Yeah, my mum is allergic as well so when she got me Kai she made sure to get one that she’d actually be able to be around,” he explains, stroking Kai’s side with his thumb.

“I didn’t even know that hypoallergenic cats existed.”

“Neither did I until my mum bought her for me. Now come on, let’s get on making that popcorn.”

Making popcorn quickly turns into a tour of the flat, and Dan finds himself pointing out the large amounts of video game merch scattered around the rooms, as well as trinkets given to him by followers and souvenirs from places he’s visited during tours. He notices how Phil seems slightly surprised by how much bigger the rooms in Dan’s flat are compared to his own, but doesn’t mention it. He’d chosen a flat with larger rooms because he wanted to not have to worry too much about space and have good places to film.

Then they reach Dan’s studio space. Phil looks around wide eyed at the various instruments around the room, as well as the soundboard, desktop and mic. Dan has not only a upright piano in this room (which came with the flat), but also an electric keyboard, his acoustic and electric guitars, and his drum kit. He’d learned how to play all of the instruments through practice and some lessons while he was still in secondary school.

“This is amazing!” Phil says, walking over and inspecting the soundboard. “To be honest, it’s kinda similar to the setup for my radioshow.”

“Really?” Dan says, running his fingers against the strings of his guitar as he walks by. “You know, I’d like to watch your radioshow, when’s your next one?”

Phil looks up from the soundboard appearing shocked.

“Oh, erm, it’s the first Monday of every month so June 6th,” he replies, and Dan smile only grows wider.

“Nice, I’ll definitely be watching. That’s only five days before my birthday, too,” he says, and Phil smiles back.

Eventually they head back into the kitchen to finish their original task of making popcorn, which Phil inevitably nearly spills all over the floor (he only loses a few pieces, fortunately). They manage to make it to the lounge without dropping anything and settle down on the sofa. They’ve already started watching this anime at Phil’s, so Dan brings up the episode that they left off on and they sit back and relax.

As they’re watching Dan becomes aware of just how close in proximity he’s sitting to Phil, but for once the feeling in his stomach isn’t one of discomfort and fear. At that realization his mind is racing, and he’s hardly focusing on the show displayed on the screen in front of him. He feels safe. _How_ and _why_ does he feel so safe after only meeting this guy a few weeks ago?. He casts a quick glance over at Phil, who is still completely focused on watching the anime, and lets out a quiet sigh. He looks back to the television and attempts to push all other thoughts to the back of his mind.

* * *

 

About a week later Dan’s sitting in Louise’s lounge. It’s been awhile since he’s visited and he hasn’t seen Darcy in ages, so he’s glad to be around. He and Louise haven’t gotten the chance to properly hang out in weeks, so there’s a lot to catch up on.

“Okay, how was your trip to Japan?” she asks, setting down a tea in front of him. He gratefully picks it up and takes a sip, a smile playing at his lips.

“Japan was great, everything was so beautiful, and it was so hard maintaining some self control in the stores,” he replies.

“So you weren’t lonely at all? You were there for two weeks by yourself, I don’t think I could just go to Japan by myself.”

“Actually, no, I met a guy named Phil while there. He’s a YouTuber as well.” Her eyes widen and she grins widely.

“Phil? As in Phil Lester? Oh my god he’s lovely! I’m friends with him and see him quite a lot at conventions and such!” she gushes, taking Dan by surprise. “That’s so strange that you met him in Tokyo of all places.”

“Yeah, we thought that, too,” he says. “We basically spent most of the trip together as we were both planning on seeing the same places.”

“Life is strange sometimes,” she says, taking a sip of her tea. “What do you think of him?”

“He’s great, a really amazing person, I’m glad I can consider him my friend, especially considering he’s the reason I started making videos in the first place,” he says. “It’s quite surreal, honestly.”

He pauses, contemplating whether or not he should mention the weird feelings he’s been getting when with Phil. It’d be nice to actually get it off his chest and say it out loud for once. So, he decided fuck it, why not?

“It’s strange, though. I’ve been getting these weird feelings when I’m around him,” he admits, and Louise frowns.

“Oh,” she says, and only then does Dan realize how that may have sounded.

“Oh, no no no, not like a bad weird, just… I don’t really understand what they are, or why I’m feeling them?” he says, the end of the sentence turning up into more of a question. Louise looks at him curiously, setting down her mug.

“Describe them, maybe I can help,” she offers, and Dan lets out a deep breath, looking down at his hands.

“Well, my stomach feels all tingly and my heart kind of speeds up. I almost feel… drawn to him? And I don’t mind him getting closer to me than I normally let people. I actually feel _safe_ around him, and I’ve only really known him for a few weeks,” he says.

After a moment of silence he looks up, slightly surprised to meet the sympathetic and gentle look Louise is sending him.

“What?” he asks, shifting nervously in his seat.

“Dan,” she starts, pausing as if to carefully think over her words. “I think you might fancy him.”

In that moment he feels all warmth drain from his body. A sinking feeling of dread quickly forms in his chest, and he starts to shrink in on himself. His vision is no longer focused on anything but he can feel the racing of his heart and how severely his body is shaking. His mind is on overdrive, he can’t think straight, he can’t _breathe_ . Because he can’t fancy Phil. He _can’t_. Just as he thinks he’s going to be drawn fully into the storm in his mind, Louise’s voice comes through the haze.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit. Dan take deep breaths, it’s okay, _you’re_ okay, _you’re safe_ ,” she whispers frantically. He feels the weight of a blanket being placed over his head and shoulders, and he’s suddenly grounded. He can focus on the view of Louise’s lounge, and the pattern of the blanket now wrapped around him. He’s suddenly aware of the tears sliding down his cheeks, and he quickly goes to wipe them away.

“S-sorry, I’m s-sorry,” he whispers shakily, drawing his sleeves down to his hands to clutch them.

“No, don’t you dare apologize, you did absolutely nothing wrong,” she says sternly, and he nods, his trembling subsiding slightly. “Dan what happened? What triggered that?”

He shakes his head, forcing his eyes shut and letting a few more tears slip out.

“I c-can’t, Lou. I can’t f-fancy him,” he stutters. “N-not a-after-.”

“Oh Dan, it’s okay. If you need to give yourself time, that’s fine. You need to get help, though. I keep telling you this and you never go through with it, but you really should consider it, you aren’t going to get better otherwise,” she says gently.

He doesn’t reply.

* * *

 

Soon enough, it’s June 6th, and Dan is sat in his home studio. He absently plays the chord progressions to ‘eternity’ on the keyboard sitting next to him as he waits for Phil’s radio show to start up. His desktop is open to the Radio 1 website, and the show prior to his is playing their last song.

He’s not extremely familiar with the BBC, the only time he’s ever been in their building was when he recorded a live lounge cover of “Real” by Years & Years back in May of last year. It had been a quick visit, and he hadn’t seen much of the place. He’s been interviewed on a couple occasions such as at the Brits and Big Weekend, but that’s just about all the experience he has with BBC.

“That was twenty one pilots with Ride, and you are now listening to the Internet Takeover,” Phil’s voice says over his speakers and Dan perks up immediately. “It is the first Monday of the month at 9pm which means you are listening to Phil Lester on the Internet Takeover on BBC Radio 1.”

Phil goes into a most likely previously rehearsed introduction, mentioning how later he’ll be going into something called the Internet News, and a 7 Second Challenge with a randomly selected caller. Once Phil starts the first song, Dan pulls up Final Cut Pro to edit a cover video he’d recorded a few days ago. He pulls up the windows side by side and listens to the show as he works, which surprisingly goes fine.

He notices after a while just how relaxing it is to listen to Phil’s voice, but quickly shoves that thought to the back of his mind. He isn’t quite sure what to make of what he’s been feeling but he’s terrified that what Louise had told him might be right. He hasn’t seen Phil since that visit with Louise, which was eleven days ago already. Sure, he’s texted him fairly frequently, but that’s vastly different to seeing him in person.

After nearly forty minutes have passed, Dan’s wrapping up his editing, finalizing some effects and setting it to render. It’s just as he’s finishing that he hears Phil introducing the next song.

“And now, one of my favourite songs by a close friend of mine, here’s ‘torn’ by Dan Howell.”

Dan’s jaw drops as the familiar guitar riffs of one of his recent songs begins playing. His eyes immediately fall on the video feed of Phil, who’s grinning his usual stunning smile. He bursts out laughing as Phil attempts to wink at the camera, only to result in a slightly pained looking blink.

“You motherfucker,” he murmurs, shaking his head fondly.

He picks up his phone from the desk and quickly opens up Twitter. His notifications are blowing up, ranging from exclamations of shock to spasms of characters, and then the rare carefully crafted tweets with complete sentences. He laughs softly, reading through the various messages.

**@softdjh: @djhmusic YOU KNOW PHIL?**

**@philgirl261: @djhmusic @AmazingPhil WTF MY FAVES ARE FRIENDS?!?! OMG**

**@jana_morris: @djhmusic wow i remember when you used to stan phil good job**

The last one makes Dan laugh as well. Many of his followers remember how he used to post indirects about Phil and his videos constantly rather than just @ replying him, even though he has now long since deleted those tweets. He scrolls through his mentions for a while longer, until he hears Phil wrapping up the show. As he watches Phil sink down below the sound table, he goes back to Twitter and quickly types in a response to the situation.

**@djhmusic: thanks for the spon <3 @AmazingPhil**

Almost immediately his Twitter lags so badly he has to close out of the app. He laughs, closing out of the BBC web player and leaning back in his chair. His phone buzzes and he taps the banner signifying a new text from Phil.

**From: Phil**

**My notifications are blowing up oh my god.**

**To:Phil**

**honestly it’s your own fault**

**From: Phil**

**I hate you.**

He smirks before typing out a final reply.

**To: Phil**

**i’m sure you do**

* * *

 

“Happy Birthday!” is the exclamation that greets Dan when he arrives at Phil’s flat. It’s now the eleventh of June, otherwise known as Dan’s birthday. His followers had managed to get #HappyBirthdayDan trending worldwide, and there was an unbelievably large amount of artwork drawn for him as a sort of gift. While he appreciates it all very much, and stated so earlier when he’d woken up to see the hashtag, nothing can compare to a day spent with the boy standing in front of him with a large grin on his face.

They hadn’t seen each other in person in over two weeks, and Dan had figured he couldn’t hide from Phil forever, so he’d accepted Phil’s offer of a birthday movie night. He’s now endlessly thankful that he accepted it because he didn’t realize just how much he missed being around Phil.

“Thanks. Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve been around,” he says, walking in past Phil and turning around to face him.

“It’s fine. I have some pizza, popcorn, and cake in the lounge and a bunch of movies picked out,” Phil says cheerfully.

“Oh, you didn’t have to get all of that-”

“It’s your birthday, of course I did. Now come on.”

As they walk through the flat Dan takes the time to look over everything. Despite being much smaller than Dan’s flat, it’s a very homey and comfortable atmosphere. Plants are places in various locations around the apartment; there are succulents on the window sills, a peace lily on a side table, a large palm plant in the hallway, and a tiny tree in the lounge as well as a decent sized cactus. Along with the plants, there are many scented candles, and it seems as if Phil has lit Fireside Treats (Dan’s personal favourite).

Much like in Dan’s flat, Phil has various video game memorabilia scattered around in various locations, as well as pictures from different travel locations and other trinkets. He has several different video game consoles next to his television, along with an assortment of games. There are many books on his shelves, mostly Stephen King novels, and a few books by fellow YouTubers. Dan almost likes the flat more than his own (but that might just be because of Phil).

“So, shall we get right into this movie marathon?” Phil asks, and Dan nods, plopping himself down on the couch. Phil puts in the first disc without letting Dan see what it is before joining him.

It turns out the first movie Phil has chosen is none other than High School Music, which Dan fondly rolls his eyes over. However, about ten minutes later he finds himself singing along to the music, as he of course has all the lyrics memorized.

He notices Phil watching him sing and goes quiet for a bit, turning beet red. He knows that it only makes his embarrassment more apparent, but he doesn’t really care.

“Come on, you’ve performed at the _London Palladium_ and you’re embarrassed by me watching you sing?” Phil teases, only making Dan’s blush grow.

“Okay, that is _completely_ different. Performing a show is rehearsed and singing songs that I wrote, it isn’t at all like sitting in your friend’s lounge in casual clothes and singing along to High School Musical. This is way more…”

Intimate. It’s the only word his mind can provide him with and he feels a tightness in his chest. He doesn’t dare say it aloud, because that makes what he’s feeling _real_.

Phil doesn’t push it and they continue watching the movie. It isn’t until about halfway through that Dan starts looking over at Phil. He takes in his appearance; his slightly messy hair, his day old stubble, his eyes.

_God, you could go swimming in those eyes._

Just then Phil choses to look over at Dan and meet his gaze, and he quickly looks back to the movie playing in front of him. Once again, his cheeks begin to flush and he hugs his knees to his chest. His heart is racing and he can’t quite think straight and he just wants it all to _stop_ . Because he _can’t_ fancy Phil. Dan Howell isn’t allowed to fall for someone. Because when Dan Howell falls, he falls hard, and all he ever gets in return is pain, broken trust, and heartbreak.

“Dan are you okay?” he hears Phil ask gently, and he nods, not daring to look away from the screen ahead of him for fear of losing his resolve. He hears Phil let out a quiet sigh before looking back to watch the movie.

For the rest of the night he can feel Phil’s gaze on him, but he doesn’t say anything of it.

* * *

 

By early July things have only gotten harder for him to ignore. Talk of him and Phil is all over the media; whether it be mentioned by his followers or in articles written by online magazines, he can’t escape it. The speculation around the nature of their relationship has steadily grown in the past month, seeing as more and more people have spotted the two together and his occasional tweets casually mentioning Phil. It doesn’t even register to him when he does it anymore, it’s almost become second nature due to how much they’re together.

What makes it worse though, is how frequently he’s seen people asking if they’re soulmates. A few of the comments had pushed him to the edge of a panic attack, making him close out of Twitter and playing classical music for an hour in order to calm himself down. He’s always hated how every time he’s seen with someone in public the media jumps to conclusions and begins speculation on the nature of their relationship. This time around, however, many of the questions the media has posed are also things he’s begun to frequently ask himself.

It’s terrifying to him that the silly rumors that the media invents just for the sake of making profitable drama might not only be “silly rumors”.

One thing that has come out of this whole debacle that he’s particularly on edge about has been the fanfiction. Their followers has coined their ship-name as “phan,” and he’s been avoiding the tag like it’s the plague. He also ignores all the questions being asked by his followers, especially on why he seems more energetic and happy. _He_ doesn’t even know why that is and until now hadn’t noticed the difference.

He’d decided that he needs to be around others in an attempt to quiet the storm constantly occupying his mind, which is why he’s now arriving at Louise’s with Phil. The three of them had agreed that they should all spend some time together and just chill out, maybe have a few drinks, seeing as they’ve never all been together at the same time. Dan’s mostly looking forward to the drinking aspect of it, as he always loosens up and properly relaxes when drunk.

“Hello! Come on in, I’ve got drinks in the lounge,” Lou says cheerfully upon opening the door. They both greet her and walk inside, making light conversation as they pass through the house. Darcy is with Matt for the night, so they don’t have to worry about disturbing her.

“There’s loads of different types so feel free to help yourselves. There’s also some crisps and such over there,” she says, and Dan quickly goes and fixes himself a drink. He wants to actually let go tonight, so the faster the alcohol is in his system the better.

“I think I’ll pass on the alcohol. Do you have anything else?” Phil says, and Dan only just notices the subtle glance Phil sends in his direction.

“Oh, yeah, I think I have some Coke out or I could get you some water if you’d like?”

“Coke ’ll be fine I think,” Phil responds, finding the bottle on the table and pouring himself a glass.

They all settle down in the lounge, Dan and Phil sitting next to each other on the couch and Louise in a chair opposite them.

“So how have you all been? How was Japan, Dan wasn’t all that descriptive when he told me about it.”

They fall into easy conversation after that, discussing all of the various tourist attractions they went to, such as their day trip to Mt. Fuji, all of the various stores and parks they explored, and the tons of different restaurants they went to. As time passes and Dan finishes his third glass of cider, he begins to feel a bit more floaty. He’s only half aware when Phil carefully takes the glass off the table and places it a safe distance away from Dan.

After that, Dan is mostly quiet, leaning against the back of the sofa and relaxing into the soft furniture. He vaguely follows the conversation, looking back and forth between Phil and Louise and studying their expressions, until he eventually tires of that and settles on watching Phil. He watches as his lips move and how his eyes light up when he starts talking about something he’s passionate about. He finds himself smiling softly to himself, crossing his arms and placing a hand over his mouth.

“I’ve gotta use the toilet real quick, I’ll be back in a minute,” Phil says suddenly, rising from the couch and exiting the room. Dan watches him go, and as soon as he’s gone, Louise quickly turns to look at him, eyebrow raised.

“What’s all of that about?”

“Whadayou mean?” he mumbles, tilting his head questioningly.

“You seem to be staring at him quite a lot, and you’ve been blushing for the past fifteen minutes,” she points out, and he grunts, falling sideways across the sofa. He’s too out of it to properly understand what Louise is saying, let alone think deeply on it. He hears Louise shift in her chair. “Alright. How’s all your music stuff going?”

“Good I guess, ‘m workin on some new stuff.”

“Really? Like, a single or a full album?”

“Album. It’s gonna be.. happy.. I think,” he says, staring up at the ceiling.

“Oh, well that’s definitely a good thing,” she says, but Dan doesn’t recognize the surprise in her voice. She goes quiet for a bit and Dan begins humming to himself, and suddenly he can’t stop smiling.

“Being happy is good. He makes me reeeally happy,” he says, giggling softly. Louise sighs, but he doesn’t look over at her.

“I’m glad.”

Moments later Phil reenters the room. Dan tilts his head back so he’s staring at him upside down, and he starts grinning once again.

“Phiiiil! What’re you doing on the ceiling?” he asks, and Phil raises an eyebrow, glancing over at Louise.

“You didn’t let him have another drink, did you?” he questions, earning himself a glare.

“You have no faith in me. No, I didn’t give him a drink, I think it’s just the alcohol he already had is starting to take effect.”

Phil hums in response.

“How’re you doing there, Dan?” he says, smiling down at the boy lying across the sofa.

“‘M good. Good good good” he replies, tilting his head. “That’s a funny word. Good.”

Phil stares at him for a moment, before looking back to Louise.

“Maybe we should start heading home now. He’s quite out of it and the train home will take a while,” he suggests, and Louise nods.

“Yeah, I suppose so. It’s already, what” she says, checking her phone quickly. “A bit past ten? Yeah, you’d best be getting back soon, especially with the state of him.”

She gestures over to Dan, who’s watching them from his spot on the sofa. He zones out as the continue to talk, looking back to the ceiling and beginning to hum once more.

* * *

 

The journey from Louise’s to the train station is uneventful, as is the train ride back to London. Dan spends most of the trip staring forward, gaze unfocused, and giggling occasionally. Thankfully, not many people are in their car, so the ride is spent with them sitting in silence.

Once they arrive in London, they’re quick to begin walking. Dan’s flat isn’t far from the station, so they decide to just walk the distance. Or rather, Phil decides, as Dan is still far to out of it to make any sort of valid judgement calls.

They make their way through the streets, which aren’t particularly crowded considering the time of night. Dan’s capable of maintaining his balance for the most part, although he finds himself swaying occasionally or stumbling over his own feet. They’ve been walking in comfortable silence for the past ten minutes when Dan looks over and begins staring at Phil once more.

“You’re really pretty,” he slurs, and Phil’s gaze is fixed on him in an instant, eyes wide and cheeks beginning to flush red.

“Oh?”

Dan nods, a smile on his face, but it suddenly drops, and he looks forward again.

“No, I can’t say that,” he says, scrunching up his face in concentration. “Why can’t I say that?”

“Dan, you’re ridiculously drunk. Come on, let’s get you home,” Phil suggests, his voice tinged with a bit of confusion.

“Okay, yeah fine let’s g-”

Halfway through his response Dan’s entire body tenses, heart rate quickly skyrocketing, and his breathing stuttering in his chest. Because suddenly he can feel a hand on his shoulder and he’s balancing on the verge of a full on panic attack.

He finally siezes control of his body once more, wrenching his shoulder out of the grasp of the mystery person and spinning around. The face he’s met with only makes everything worse. An all too familiar girl with a round face, a generous amount of makeup, hazel eyes, and long straightened hair.

“Hey Dan,” she says with a smirk, looking him up and down before winking and walking in the opposite direction of where he and Phil had been heading.

He feels his legs give out underneath him and he falls to the ground, eyes fixed on the pavement in front of him, vision blurred by oncoming tears, his body shaking uncontrollably. His chest is tightening and he can’t feel his hands, everything is going numb and he’s sure he’s screaming but he can’t hear it. All he can hear is her voice repeating those two words over and over on repeat. He can’t breathe.

Memories flash before his eyes, her smiling at him, the stench of alcohol, her hands in places he never wants touched again, how he wouldn’t stop screaming no, to stop, begging her to get off.

“It won’t happen again, I promise.”

 _No_.

“It’s all in your head, Dan. I would never hurt you.”

He’s gone, buried in all of the things he’s tried so desperate to forget for the past eight years. He’s shouting for it to stop, he’s terrified, and he still can’t _breathe_ . He clutches at his hair, yanking, pulling, trying to feel something, _anything_ to get him away from this hell.

And then he hears it. The voice he’s grown so accustom to hearing over the past few months, the one things he’s happy to hear every day.

“Dan? Dan please I need you to breathe. You’re going to pass out, you have to control your breathing. Please Dan, this is terrifying please listen,” Phil says frantically. “Breathe in for seven seconds and then out for eleven. Come on Dan, I know you can do this. Whatever you’re seeing, whatever else you’re hearing, it isn’t real. Focus on my voice.”

So he listens. He listens to the only voice that he wants to hear, and it’s the only thing he can do, at this point. It’s his only distraction from the memories that have been brought to the forefront of his mind.  He begins breathing in time to Phil’s instructions, still screwing his eyes shut in attempt to get rid of the images he’s being forced to watch.

After several minutes, his vision begins to fade back to black, and once the image of her face has disappeared, he opens his eyes to see the pavement, and the feeling in his hands slowly returns. He’s still shaking uncontrollably, his breathing is shaky, and his heart is still racing, but he’s aware of his surroundings once more. He can feel tears running fresh down his cheeks, and he chokes on a sob, shutting his eyes once more.

“Fuck,” he mutters.

There’s a silence between them, the only sounds present being from the city around them.

“Dan, are you okay?”

Phil’s voice is shaky, and sounds so unbelievably filled with concern and fear, that in that moment all he wants to do is curl up and disappear into oblivion.

“No. How long has it been?” he replies truthfully

“About twenty-five minutes.”

Dan roughly wipes away his tears before clutching his torso tightly.

“No one touched me, did they?” he asks. He hates having panic attacks in public, not only because of the attention, but because people will often try to help by moving him and only make things worse.

“No one. I didn’t try to move you and no one approached us,” Phil replies, and Dan releases a stuttered breath.

He presses his hand against the wall behind him, pushing himself up so he’s standing. He hasn’t stopped shaking and his chest still feels constricted but at the point he just wants to get away from here as quickly as possible.

“Dan I don’t think you should mo-”

“I don’t care. I just want to get home, now,” he interrupts, not meeting the other boy’s gaze. Phil goes quiet for a moment before sighing

“Alright, let’s go.”

Dan’s flat is only two blocks away, and seeing as Dan is walking as fast as his unsteady pace will allow him, it doesn’t take long for them to arrive outside his flat. They stand there for a moment as Dan fishes in his pockets for his keys, and then somehow manages to unlock the door with his trembling hands.

“Maybe I should stay the nigh-”

“No. Listen Phil, I appreciate it but right now I just want to be alone,” Dan says, still not making eye contact.

“But-”

“Please, Phil,” he says, finally turning to stare him straight in the eyes. His voice breaks as he says it, and he can see the inner turmoil Phil is experiencing as clear as day. After a few moments, he bites his lip and looks down.

“Okay, fine. Just, please call me tomorrow? And try to get some sleep. We have to talk about this at some point.”

With that Dan looks away from him, opening the door and standing under the frame.

“Goodnight, Phil.”

He closes the door behind him and walks up the steps separating to the top where his and his neighbours doors sit opposite one another. He unlocks the final door with a bit of difficulty and finally finds himself in his own flat. The second he shuts his door, he falls to his knees and begins crying.

He lies there for a long time, too exhausted to drag himself up the last two flights of stairs and down the long hallway in order to get to his room. He hears a meow and the rub of fur against his hand, and he gazes down at his cat.

“Everything just has to end up complete shit for me, doesn’t it?” he says, earning himself another nose rub from Kai.

He ends up falling asleep at the bottom of the stairs, tear stains still on his cheeks

* * *

 

It’s been three days. Three days since he last spoke to any of his friends. His phone began blowing up not long after Phil left, so he had resorted to shutting it off and abandoning it on his desk. From what he’d seen when turning it off, the messages had mostly been from Louise and Phil, but none from his parents. He’s thankful for that small blessing, at least. He doesn’t want his parents to have to deal with his bullshit problems.

He’s lying in bed, wrapped up tightly in his duvet. The colourful pastel shades of the room and his belonging seem so out of place when his mind is shadowed in darkness. For the first time in about six years he’s wearing a completely monochrome outfit, a black jumper with stars around the neck as well as grey pyjama bottoms. He hasn’t moved from the bed since he dragged himself up to it the morning after the Incident other that to get water, go to the bathroom, and to feed Kai. He knows he should probably eat something but he has no appetite.

Instead, his gaze is fixed in a blank stare, not really focusing on anything in particular. He feels numb, his body occasionally tremoring, and he can’t tell if he’s feverish or freezing. He keeps going in and out of consciousness, falling asleep every couple of hours when the voices in his head get too much to bear. Her words are still echoing in his mind, although not nearly as bad as when he actually saw her. It’s been seven years since he last had to see her, and yet somehow life had to go and tear that security away from him. Because she’s in London. She might live here now. She was only two blocks from his flat. What if she had found his address from one of those small leaks a couple years back? What if she lives nearby?

Just as he’s starting to go down another downward spiral, he feels a slight weight settle beside him. He blinks, focusing his vision to see Kai lying next to him, nestled up against his side.

“Hello there,” he murmurs, his voice coming out scratchy due to lack of use. He reaches out and scratches behind Kai’s ear. “I’m worrying my friends, aren’t I?”

He receives a meow in response.

“I know I need to talk about it but I just, don’t know how,” he says, pressing his face into the pillow. Kai moves and nuzzles his cheek, purring.

“At least I have you,” he mumbles.

He lies there, tangled in his duvet when suddenly he hears it. The sound of his front door opening.

He immediately pushes himself off of his bed, dragging the duvet with him as he can’t be bothered to try and untangle himself. He stumbles out of his room, swaying a bit and staring dazedly down the corridor. He hears footsteps walking up the stairs and he can’t bring himself to move another step.

And then a familiar tall figure appears at the top of his stairs and Dan doesn’t know whether to be relieved or angry.

“What are you doing here? How the fuck did you get in?” he says, flinching at how hoarse his voice sounds.

Phil jumps, finally looking at him, and the second he takes in Dan’s appearance, his face falls.

“Dan, oh my god are you okay?” he asks, walking towards him. Dan flinches and quickly takes a few steps back.

“You didn’t answer me,” he replies, and Phil takes the hint and stops walking.

“Me and Louise have been worried sick, she gave me her spare key and here I am,” he explains.

“What did you tell her.”

“That some girl touched your shoulder and you had a panic attack,” he replies with a hint of confusion. There’s a pause, and the tension in the air is suffocating. “We need to talk about this. You can’t just lock yourself up in your flat for the rest of your life, and frankly you look horrible. Have you slept? When was the last time you showered? Have you been eating?”

“Sleeping is about all I’ve been doing. I can’t remember the last time I ate and I haven’t showered since the day it happened.”

“Okay, well, erm, shit. Do you still have the leftover chinese we had before we left for Louise’s?” Phil asks, looking extremely worried.

“Yeah, it should be in the fridge,” he murmurs.

“Alright, I’ll heat that up and make us some tea. Go wait in the lounge, okay?” Phil says, his voice becoming much more gentle.

Dan nods, shrinking in on himself as he shuffles down the hall, walking past Phil and entering the lounge. He collapses onto the far side of the sofa, wrapping the duvet around his form tightly. He stares blankly at the wall opposite him, taking deep breaths and trying not to think too deeply on the conversation they’re about to start.

He jumps when Phil places the chinese food and a mug of tea on the table in front of them, his eyes darting to look to him. He doesn’t miss the worried look Phil shoots him.

He sits on the opposite side of the couch, showing he understands that Dan needs space, and Dan hates that his mind is screaming for Phil to sit closer. They sit there in dead silence, the lounge only filled with the soft ambience of the London streets.

“Can you tell me,” Phil pauses. “...What exactly happened that night?”

Dan lets out a gentle sigh before picking up the tea from the the table. He avoids making eye contact with the other boy because he knows the second that happens he’ll break down. He clears his mind, trying to not think about all the countless ways this could go horribly wrong.

“Her name was Kayla,” he says quietly, pausing in order to collect himself. It’s been years since he’s said her name aloud to anyone. Phil stays silent, so he continues. “We’d known each other in primary school, and I met her again at a party in 2006. She was really kind, sweet, intelligent. She cared about people, seemed like everyone in Wokingham knew and liked her. We started going out in mid-2007 after I told her I fancied her, and we eventually officially became boyfriend and girlfriend. We weren’t soulmates, but that didn’t matter to me because I was happy and stupidly in love, and since my parents aren’t soulmates I didn’t let it stop me.

“It wasn’t until about eight months into our relationship that things started to… change,” Dan says his voice tightening. He stops to mentally prepare himself for the next part of the story. He’s never, ever told anyone the full detail of what happened with him and Kayla. Louise only has a vague idea of what occurred, and even that was difficult for him to explain.

“She started acting differently. She’d get angry over the smallest little things and shout at me over them. She’d warp situations to make me believe I had done something horrible to her, and then refuse to talk about it no matter how hard I tried to ask what I did wrong. She manipulated me into cutting off ties with my friends that she didn’t like and regulate my social schedule. She’d text me all the time in order to ‘check up’ on me and if I didn’t reply in ten minutes she’d accuse me of cheating or some other bullshit that I would never do. And then it started getting worse.”

He feels the first tears beginning to fall, and he doesn’t bother brushing them away, only curling in on himself more tightly, trying to find some sense of security.

“The f-first time she hit me, it was a backhanded slap because I hadn’t talked to her for a whole day. She apologized a few hours later, crying and claiming it wouldn’t happen again, that it was a mistake and that she regretted it. But it was never the last hit,” Dan chokes out, and he hears Phil intake a sharp breath. “It was mostly slaps, but there were a few times she’d full on punch me, and seeing as she was a rugby player she was always much stronger than I was.

“The day she found out I’m bisexual was bad. She slapped me and screamed at me, saying I’d cheat on her with another guy and that I was a slut. She stormed out and wouldn’t talk to me for a week. Then she came back begging and crying and saying that she was sorry and she loved me. And I forgave her, because I was in love with her, too.”

There’s a silence in the room. Dan is choking back sobs at the point, his mug of tea replaced on the table in front of him and his body shaking horribly. He’s pretty sure Phil is also crying but he doesn’t want to look and find out.

“That wasn’t the worst part,” he whispers, and he can feel Phil’s eyes boring into the side of his head.

“One day, later in the evening, my parents weren’t home. I can’t remember where they’d gone but I think they’d taken my brother out for a football match or something like that. I’d told Kayla that I was home alone sitting on the couch just playing video games and such, and I was having fun. I didn’t get the house to myself often so I was enjoying the solitude. But then she showed up, completely out of the blue. I could tell she was drunk the second I let her in the house, and that had made me uneasy from the start because she’d get worse when drunk.”

“We’d gone up to my room because I had my games up there and everything so I thought maybe we could play something together since she was into video-games. But s-she had… other things in m-mind. The second we got up there she pushed me down on the bed and started kissing me really heatedly. It wasn’t like we hadn’t had s-sex before, but I just wasn’t in the mood, so I tried pushing her off, b-but… she grabbed my wrists and pinned them above my h-head and just… k-kept g-going.”

Dan’s having trouble articulating his words at this point. He’s full on ugly sobbing, and he’s sure he looks like a complete mess. This is the most he’s told of this story to anyone. Not even Louise has heard it. He’s shaking uncontrollably, arms hugging his sides and his chest feels tight.

“I-I tried t-to tell her n-no but s-she w-wouldn’t listen, Phil. I d-didn’t want to _live_ anymore, I f-felt dirty, I was a s-slut. It was the d-darkest fucking time of my l-life.” he whispers harshly, turning to look at him for the first time since he started speaking. Phil’s cheeks are tear-stained, fresh ones still coming steadily, and he has a hand covering his mouth. Suddenly the lounge is quiet once more other than Dan’s loud sobs. He squeezes his eyes shut, willing the ground to open up and swallow him whole so he can just end this moment.

“Can I hug you?” The request is made hesitantly and so softly that Dan almost doesn’t hear it. “Through your duvet, I mean.”

Dan slowly nods his head, and Phil carefully closes the distance between them and hugs him tightly to his chest. He’s sure to avoid any skin contact, and Dan sinks into the embrace, still consumed by the near anxiety attack. To anyone else who doesn’t know them, they’d probably think this is strange and slightly awkward, but Dan frankly couldn’t give a fuck, because this is the closest he’s come to voluntarily touching someone in nearly eight whole years. This realization only proves to make him sob harder, and he can feel Phil rubbing his back soothingly despite his own tears.

They sit like that for quite a while, letting what has been said really sink in. Dan feels relief flooding through him, because Phil is still here. He hasn’t left, or called Dan disgusting, worthless, or weak. As to why he’s still here, he is unsure, but he is, despite everything.

It takes them several more minutes of gently rocking back and forth and soothing back rubbing before they begin to calm down. Dan’s stopped crying but he’s still trembling like a leaf and his chest feels tight, but despite this, Phil is still holding him. And it’s for this reason that Dan makes a split second decision. If he’s opening up about his deepest secrets, he might as well put it all out on the table.

“Phil, there’s something else I want to tell you,” he mumbles, pulling back out of the hug and looking down at his lap. “You have to promise that you won’t get freaked out and leave though, I don’t think I could handle that right now.”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Phil replies, voice breaking a bit.

The silence that fills the room this time is tense, and Dan wants nothing more than to shrink away and disappear right now. He takes a deep breath.

“I… I really l-like you, a-as in r-romantically, and t-that fact is absolutely t-terrifying to me,” he whispers, and he’s scared. Because now Phil knows, and he no longer has any control over how this plays out. There’s another silence.

“I feel the same way, Dan.”

He feels his heart speed up in his chest and he exhales shakily, but continues to stare into his lap. The mixed feelings of both fear and relief are flooding through him, because Phil feels the same way. He fancies him as well. But whether or not that’s considered a good thing, he doesn’t know.

“Anything that happens from here on out is gonna happen at your pace, and by anything I mean everything. If you want to officially get together at this point, we can work through that slowly. If you don’t, that’s perfectly fine, I am completely okay with waiting until you’re ready, whether that take 5 months or 5 years, or even never,” Phil tells him, and Dan nods slowly, a bit of fear dissipating. He stays quiet, thinking and deliberating what exactly he want to happen from here.

“I want to be with you, but,” he hesitates. “I d-don’t think I’m ready for that yet. S-sorry.”

“There’s absolutely no need to apologize, it’s alright. I understand why you aren’t ready and if you’d rather wait than we can wait,” Phil says, pulling him into a more gentle hug, and Dan shuts his eyes and lets out a final deep breath.

“I want to trust you,” he whispers, only just loudly enough for Phil to hear.

* * *

 

It’s been a month since Dan told Phil about Kayla. It wasn’t the first time he’d explained he’d been in an abusive relationship,  Louise knew as much, but it was the first time he’d admitted to anyone that he’d been raped. He’s discovered that not having to hide a part of his life that’s impacted him so negatively for so many years is, in fact, quite freeing. Of course, speaking about it hasn’t come without downsides. Now that he isn’t repressing the memories, they’re all forcing themselves to the forefront of his thoughts and it’s driven him to the verge of multiple panic attacks.

It was after the third that Phil first suggested he see a therapist. It took him four days to convince Dan that it would help, and that he could only help so much. Deep down Dan knew he needed to see a therapist, he’s known since he was first assaulted, but the idea of telling someone he didn’t know all these things was terrifying. It had been hard enough for him to open up to Phil about it, the person he feels the safest around. But eventually, Phil convinced him by reminding him the therapist wouldn’t judge him for his experiences and since Dan won’t have known them before there won’t be any guilt attached.

So Dan spent a couple days scouring the Internet with Phil for highly acclaimed therapists centered in the London that specialize in abuse victims and PTSD. After a while they’d come across about five people that seemed to fit their criteria and sent out emails to them requesting a consultation. In the end, one of the five had no space for new clients, but the other four were all available. There was a week where he had back to back consultations, meeting with each therapist for about forty-five minutes to see if he felt comfortable with them and if their therapeutic methods worked with him.

After his last consultation he was quick to choose Dr. Mariner, or Lauren, a woman in her mid-thirties with a gentle voice and cozy office. They arranged to meet twice a week, every Tuesday and Thursday, Dan knowing he needed all of the time he could get to make up for the eight years he’d gone without any help whatsoever.

And that leads to now. August 12, 2016. He and Lauren have been meeting for about two weeks, and the progress has been slow, all set at Dan’s pace. At the consultation he had explained vaguely that he’d been sexually assaulted when he was seventeen but had never told anyone about it until recently, and therefore hasn’t willingly been in physical contact with anyone since. They’ve since been discussing his distrust in others, particularly people on trains or planes. They have plans to start exposure therapy at some point in the next few weeks, but Dan doesn’t feel emotionally prepared enough to do that just yet.

Now that things are out in the open, he also feels slightly more secure about his feelings for Phil, because at this point, there’s no point denying that they exist. He’s so thankful that Phil understands why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, and that he isn’t pushing his boundaries. Dan finds himself thinking about Phil even more than he did before, which he isn’t really opposed to.

He pushes open the door to the Starbucks, hearing the bell above it tinker on his entry. A quick glance around the shop is all that’s needed to spot Phil sitting at their usual sofa, already with two mugs on the table in front of him. Dan smiles softly before walking over to him, sitting down without saying a word. After a moment Phil looks up from his phone and upon seeing Dan nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Jesus Christ, someone oughta put a bell on you,” he cries quietly, bursting into soft giggles. “How was your session?”

“Good. We just talked about stuff, nothing different than usual,” Dan replies, picking up the second drink on the table. This Starbucks has become their meet-up place after Dan’s sessions, and after the second session Phil started buying Dan’s drink for him before he arrived to spare him the wait in line.

“Did you hear that Louise met her soulmate the other day?” Phil mentions, which immediately grabs Dan’s attention.

“Really? Whoa no I didn’t, she didn’t mention it to me.”

“Yeah me neither but she posted a picture of her tattoo earlier so I asked her about it and she said she met him on Wednesday at a Tescos.”

“How romantic,” Dan laughs, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Could have been worse, I’ve heard of someone meeting their soulmate because they tried to mug them,” Phil points out, which makes Dan snort.

“Hey, at least it gives them an interesting story to tell,” he says. There’s a comfortable silence between them, filled by the gentle chatter of the shop and occasional sips of their drinks.

“How have you been doing? With the therapy and all, has it helped?” Phil asks after a bit, and Dan looks over at him with a gentle smile.

“Yeah, it has. I wish I’d started going sooner, if I’m being honest,” he admits, looking back down at his drink. “They prescribed me with anxiety medication which has helped a lot. I feel less on edge all the time. It’s not really gone per say, I still feel uneasy in crowded areas, but generally I feel safer most of the time.”

“I’m so unbelievably proud of you, do you know that?”

Dan looks up to find Phil watching him, a fond smile capturing his expression. He feels his face heating up, trying to hide it by quickly looking back down at his hands, fiddling with his nearly empty cup. He shakes his head in response to Phil’s question.

“It takes a lot of courage to admit that you need help and even more to actually go through with it. Talking to a therapist can be hard and I’m glad you’ve given it a chance. You’re so strong and brave and I’m just so proud of you.”

Dan feels his stomach flutter happily at Phil’s praise, a small smile dancing across his lips. It takes him a moment to realize how for the first time, the butterflies don’t bother him, and his smile grows. In that moment, he decides ‘fuck it’ and leans to his side, effectively pressing his and Phil’s arms together. Of course they both have light jackets on so it isn’t really touching, but Dan hears Phil’s subtle intake of breath and shuts his eyes.

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” he murmurs.

* * *

Later that night, Dan finds himself working on his lyrics. Most of them have been finished, although due to not being in the mood for writing he’s currently editing rather than writing.  Currently, he’s working on one entitled “alive,” which is one he finished writing more recently. He has a total of 9 songs completed out of 15, the others with at least a verse or so done. Figuring out lyrics is hard and takes him time, even considering how long he’s been doing it.

As he reads through it for the twentieth time that night, his mind begins to wander back to his and Phil’s conversation earlier. Not only does he feel less anxious, he feels happier now than ever before. It’s as he reads over one line that he makes a connection.

_For the first time in a long time I’m alive._

He pauses for a moment, going onto Google and pulling up the lyrics to one of his earlier songs, “the edge” (And yes, he googles his own lyrics.  It’s faster than trying to search through his unorganized laptop to try and find the original file containing the lyrics). He places the set of lyrics side by side, comparing the completely different tones between the two. “the edge” was one of his darkest songs, written not long after what happened with Kayla. It was one of his first songs that he completed, and whilst he’s still proud of it, it’s become something he doesn’t like to discuss with others much anymore.

He feels a tear rolling down his cheek and quickly brushes it away. How much the two sets of lyrics juxtapose makes it that much more apparent to him how much has changed in the past six months, and that makes him unbelievably happy. More tears fall and he grins to himself laughing out of pure joy and relief.

Later, once he finishes editing for the night and retires to his bed, he sends Phil a small, two word message before falling asleep.

**To: Phil**

**Thank you.**

* * *

It’s late September and Dan’s in the midst of recording the instrumentals for some of his songs. The lyrics have long since been finished, and now he’s on to the —in his opinion— easiest part of the job. His producers have allowed him to record instrumental portions at home, after approving his home studio suitable for recording optimal sound quality. At first he had been denied this privilege, however once he added the soundproofing foam to the walls and bought a higher quality mic, he was permitted to do it, but only on days he couldn’t commute to his actual studio.

The exact meaning behind being “unable to commute” was left vague however, which Dan obviously takes full advantage of. Most of the time, if he can’t be bothered to leave the house he simply uses his home studio. He doesn’t really understand why they try to be as strict about studio usage as they are (even if they ultimately fail at being strict in any sense of the word), as it’s just as good as the professional booth’s at the official studio he goes to in order to record vocals. He supposes it may be because they know there can be distractions when he records at home, and now isn’t an exception to that.

Phil is currently lying on the spare bed in the corner of the room. The bed is rarely used, mainly there for when his parents visit. Otherwise, the room is only occupied by a single nightstand, the large soundboard system, and various musical instruments. Even if Phil has to be completely silent while Dan records, not even moving an inch, they still enjoy each other’s company. Dan finds comfort in simply being in Phil’s presence, and Phil enjoys watching Dan create music, so it’s a win-win situation, really.

Currently, the instrumentals Dan’s recording are only demos, which will have to be approved by one of his managers, most likely Damian or Cathy. The one he’s working on today is one called “changes,” which requires mostly piano work. The song does have a base line, however, so he will have to pull out his guitar eventually. “changes” is a slightly slower song and he’s looking forward to recording the vocals, although the piano is a bitch to figure out and requires quite a lot of concentration in order to play each chord correctly.

Going through the chorus for the fifth time, his finger slips on one key and he swears under his breath.

“I’m filming you,” Phil pipes up from across the room, and Dan starts laughing softly, glancing over at him to see Phil’s phone pointed towards him.

“Since when?”

“Just started,” Phil’s laughing too, and rather than looking at his camera he looking at Dan while wearing his usually crinkly-eye grin, with his tongue poking out between his teeth. Dan feels his heart stutter and smiles over at Phil.

“Really? You caught me messing up that’s no fair.”

“Mwahahaha,” Phil jokingly laughs before turning off the video. He looks down at his phone for a minute, still grinning, before looking back to Dan once again. “Can I post this or will UMG sue my ass.”

“Nah you’re fine, it’s only a demo. Even if they try I’ll tell them to fuck off, don’t worry.”

A few moments later he feels his phone go off in his pocket, and upon pulling it out he sees a popup notifying him that he was mentioned in a tweet by Phil.

**@AmazingPhil: Spotted a wild @djhmusic in his natural habitat! https://t.co/ksl6eB9Meq**

The second he opens his twitter app he’s met with a sea of mentions from both his and Phil’s followers, many making exclamations about how the video is, to quote “FUCKING ADORABLE” and others asking what the song is and if there’s a new album coming out.

They plan on announcing the album in a couple days, considering it’s set to be released December 16th. He’s a bit behind schedule on recording the songs in usual Dan fashion, but he isn’t worried. He knows he’ll get it done on time, considering his deadline is October 16th. He has 18 days to finish, and he only has a couple songs left to record vocals for. “changes” is the last one he has to do instrumental for, as his previous recording had been rejected. He’s confident that this one will be much better than the previous, though.

“Twitter is losing its shit,” he points out, looking over at Phil again, who’s scrolling through his own feed.

“I know,” he replies, not bothering to look up. Dan chuckles, turning back to his keyboard and placing a finger lightly on the record button.

“Alright, well have fun reading through those keyboard slams, I’m gonna keep recording.”

He receives a hum in response and presses the button, jumping right back into the piano portion that’s had him stumped for the past half an hour. Playing piano has always been relaxing to him, and he’s glad he can always resort to it

Although he isn’t speaking, he still enjoys Phil’s company at times like this. He’ll often feel lonely when recording and prefers to be in the company of others. Phil’s presence is comforting in itself, and he knows they can talk all they want once he finishes.

He’s approaching the portion of the song that he’s had trouble with, and centers his focus on the keys before him. His fingers dance across the piano, pressing down each key in succession and beginning the difficult portion. He spreads his fingers out, hitting each chord and carefully moving his hands to play the notes farther to his right, the high notes sounding around him perfectly. All of the chords had gone perfectly. He’d successfully completed the section, and he smiles widely, continuing on into the rest of the piece. The section had been merely thirty seconds from the end of the song, and after he plays the last note he falls back against the back of his chair, laughing softly.

“I got it. I finally hit all of the notes right,” he says, looking back at Phil.

“Does that mean you’re done for the day?”

“Yup,” Dan replies, rising from his chair and stretching. He walks over to the bed, turning and falling back on it with an “umph.” Phil lies back next to him, and the lay there in comfortable silence. He and Phil only have a small distance between them, their arms just centimetres apart from each other.

He stares up at the feeling, and can’t help but notice the feeling of warmth in his chest, and just how content and safe he feels in that moment. This is what he wants to feel like all the time. It’s a nice change from his constant state of being on edge and anxious that’s plagued his life for the past 8 years of his life. He’s happy, his chest doesn’t constantly feel tight, and most importantly, he feels at home.

“I never want to let this go,” he murmurs, continuing to stare at the ceiling.

“What do you mean?” He hears Phil move to look over at him.

“Us. What we have. I don’t want to let go,” he elaborates. He hears Phil hum next to him.

“Well, it’s a good thing you don’t have to,” comes the reply. Dan then looks over at him, meeting his gaze. He’s sure that his features are perfectly conveying his feelings of adoration and general fondness, and if not the pink tinge his cheeks certainly hold are indicative enough. His heart stutters when he realizes Phil’s expression mirrors his own.

He momentarily lowers his gaze, and carefully pulls the sleeve of his jumper to cover his hand. There’s a pause as he debates whether or not he should actualize the thought that has come to his mind, then he presses his covered hand against Phil’s, allowing their arms to press against each other.

They aren’t really touching, but it’s the closest Dan has been capable of achieving, and he can feel his heart pounding in his chest. He looks up at Phil once more, only to find him already staring. His expression is a mix of emotions, shock, happiness, but most of all, pride. He giggles softly, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against phil’s shoulder.

It’s then, as his heart soars and warmth spreading through his chest, that Dan realizes just how much he loves the boy next to him.

* * *

Another three weeks fly by, and it’s October 19th. A few days ago, Dan’s deadline passed, and now all he has left to do is wait. For the next two months he has nothing much scheduled, a couple interviews here and there, sure, but he has no deadlines, nothing to cause any real stress. December will be hectic, as not only will he be releasing his new album, but a few days later he’ll be announcing a tour. They’ve decided on about 43 venues worldwide, half of them being in the US, and the others scattered across Europe, Canada, Australia, and a couple even in Asia. While he wishes he could go everywhere, his PR managers want him to focus on areas with the highest demographics. He’d managed to get them to add a Manila concert, but that was all he could manage to talk them into.

The tour isn’t starting until April 2017, beginning in Europe and then going to US, then Canada, then Asia and Australia. He knows he’ll be jetlagged beyond belief, but Dan enjoys touring. Traveling around the world to places he’s never visited, no matter how briefly, has always been a dream of his.

He does, however, have worries, and they are all about one thing. Or, rather, one person, specifically the man sitting next to him in his lounge scooping popcorn into his mouth.

He and Phil have grown so close over the past few months, rarely spending a day away from each other. At this point Phil spends more of his time at Dan’s flat than his own, and many of his belongings have found their way onto various surfaces. There’s even a couple new cacti and succulents on the windowsills. He’s worried about what will happen when he goes on tour, though. He’d be ecstatic were Phil to come with him, but tours are exhausting, and he knows that not everyone would enjoy traveling from place to place every single day. He’s grown so accustom to having Phil with him, he doesn’t know how he would cope being separated from him for nearly two months.

Now, don’t get him wrong, he could handle being away from Phil for a week, two weeks at most, no matter how uncomfortable it would be, but for two months? Going off of only poor quality Skype calls and constant texting? It would be his own personal hell. Phil to him is home, and the homesickness he’d get from that amount of time away would be painful. And that’s why he’s nervous, because he’s yet to ask Phil whether or not he would want to join him on tour. Phil doesn’t even know there’s going to be a tour, the dates had only been finalized a week ago. He knows he has to ask, but he just doesn’t know how.

“Dan? Are you okay?” Phil’s question interrupts his thoughts, and he looks over at him.

The room is dark other than the light from the television. It’s late and raining outside and they’ve spent the day in watching movies and anime. The movie they’re currently playing is Captain America: Civil War, which they’d already seen in theatres together earlier in the year. There are two empty mugs of hot chocolate placed on the table in front of them and they’re sharing Dan’s duvet.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s nothing, I’m fine,” he says, attempting to brush it off to the best of his ability. Unfortunately for him, Phil wasn’t having any of it.

“You aren’t focused on the movie at all, you’ve completely blanked out. What’s bothering you?” he asks, pausing the film and turning to face Dan properly. Dan drops his gaze to his lap, not looking Phil in the eyes.

“So, erm, you know that my album comes out in around two months, right?” Phil nods.

“Well, uh, my managers and I have decided to do a tour for it, in April.”

Phil remains silent, waiting for him to continue.

“There’s gonna be 43 concerts around the world over the course of about two months,” he says, playing with his fingers.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” he says. They go quiet, and Dan can practically hear the gears turning in Phil’s mind.

“So you’ll be away for two months, and in a new place practically every single day?” he asks, and Dan nods. “Meaning we won’t be able to see each other during that time.”

“That’s what I want to ask you about,” Dan says, dropping his hands back to his lap. “Would you want to come with me on tour? Hotel and plane tickets would be taken care of so don’t worry about that, it’s just I don’t know what your schedule will be like and-”

“Dan,” Phil interrupts, and he finally looks up to meet his gaze. Phil’s eyes are practically sparkling. “You’re asking me if I’d want to travel around the world with you for a whole two months, as opposed to settling for limited interaction and not being able to see you in person for ages? Is that really a question?”

Dan’s eyes widen, and his heart flutters, feeling about twenty times lighter than it had moments earlier.

“You want to come?” he asks, barely able to comprehend it.

“Of course I want to come! How could I pass up getting to see the world _and_ watch you perform every few days?” he replies, and a grin fully envelops Dan’s expression, a giggle escaping his lips as he leans his arm against Phil’s.

“I’m glad. Skype is a piece of shit I don’t want to have to deal with that being one of our only forms of communication,” he admits, and Phil laughs in response.

They unpause the movie and continue watching, but Dan can’t keep the grin off of his face. Simply the thought of traveling all over the world with Phil is enough to make his heart race uncontrollably. He feels the heat in his cheeks but doesn’t care, simply sinking deeper into the sort of cocoon they’ve made of his duvet.

Occasionally he’ll cast glances over at Phil, studying his expression and reactions to the scenes. He can’t help but stare, Phil is mesmerizing, his beauty enrapturing to the point where Dan never wants to look away. He’s careful not to linger too long, however, for fear of being caught. That’s why just when they’re nearing the end of the movie, he looks over to Phil once more, only to find him returning the same fond gaze.

Both of them don’t move, watching each other carefully. Dan feels like he can hardly breathe, and he’s sure that his face is flushed bright red. Phil’s cheeks hold a partially obvious pinkish tint, and his expression holds so much adoration, trust, _love_ , that Dan really can’t be bothered to move in that moment.

He vaguely hears the movie, left forgotten, ending in the background, but doesn’t bother look at the screen. They can hear the sound of the rain coming down outside, gently pattering against the windows and roof. The moment is so comforting and surreal that Dan almost can’t believe that it’s actually happening.

“Can I kiss you?” the question comes quietly, almost so soft that Dan doesn’t hear it. “Your cheek, I mean.”

The butterflies in Dan’s stomach enter a frenzy, and he can feel his heart thundering in his chest. But despite this, none of it is out of fear. Phil just asked permission to make physical contact with him, and he isn’t afraid. If anything, he’s glad that Phil has offered this. So he finds himself slowly nodding his head.

Phil takes a short intake of breath, not breaking eye contact as he raises his hand, letting it hover a few inches above Dan’s jaw. Dan turns his head slightly to the side, shutting his eyes and waiting.

Then he feels the brush of fingertips along his jaw, almost not even touching him, before a soft, peck is planted on his cheek. After a couple seconds, Phil pulls away. It’s brief, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful. Dan opens his eyes once more.

And that’s when they feel it.

He feels the gentle tingling in the place where Phil’s fingers had found themselves, and his eyes immediately look down at Phil’s hand. They watch and after a second, Dan lets out a squeak when the image of cherry blossoms and music notes begin to appear along Phil’s hand. He presses his own hand to his mouth, letting out a choked sob as he watches, transfixed, the appearance of the design. After a minute the design has appeared and the tingling on his jaw has stopped, but he knows a design exactly like that now occupies the side of his face.

“Holy fucking shit,” he lets out a hoarse whisper, looking up to look Phil in the eyes once more. And with that, the tears are flowing, the two sobbing for joy sat in a dark lounge in the middle of London, because _holy fuck, they’re soulmates_. Dan lunges forward, grasping Phil by the front of his shirt and pulling him into a tight embrace.

They stay like that for an hour, and eventually the sobbing stops, and they’re sat in each other’s arms with tear-stained cheeks and giving the occasional sniffle. This is by far the happiest he’ll ever be, he thinks to himself. It takes several minutes before he realizes that Phil has fallen asleep on him a smile still ghosting his lip, and he smiles. A thought comes to mind and he immediately pulls out his phone, carefully taking a picture of Phil’s hand placed on the duvet. Then, he flips to front camera, and gets a good look at his own soulmate mark. The design was mostly along his jawline, a bit on the edge of his neck and goes partially onto his cheek, but not enough to be particularly visible from the front. He snaps a picture of his too, not caring about the tear tracks still visible on his face.

Using the two photos, he quickly makes a collage, before opening up Twitter and selecting the photo for a new tweet. As a caption, he simply types a cherry blossom emoji before hitting send. He quickly turns off his phone placing it down on the table in front of him, and then turns to lie down against Phil. He knows that everything about this is going to have a huge impact on his perception in the media and possibly in his followers, but right now he can’t bring himself to care. He can’t stop grinning as he cuddles closer to the other boy. He’ll have to deal with this all later, but for now he’s content just laying here with Phil.

If this is a dream, he really doesn’t want to wake up.

* * *

After that fateful movie night, Dan and Phil officially began dating. Things weren’t exactly perfect at first, as to be expected considering their situation, but they worked through it together as a team. Other than the initial photo of their tattoos, which inevitably caused the media to collectively have a heart attack, neither said much on the subject for the first two months. There were occasional offhand comments and replies to the simpler questions on twitter, small things like that, but not much else. It wasn’t until December, upon the release of Dan’s album “Growth of Plastic Flowers,” that their relationship was truly discussed.

With new music came interviews, and with interviews came questions about inspirations. Dan was more than happy to speak about his boyfriend, tilting his head to give a better view of the flowery design that snakes it’s way up his jawline. He would cheerfully recount how he met him in Japan shortly before he began working on the album, and just how much the other boy had impacted his emotions and views on love and trust. He would never go into much further detail however, saying that it’s a personal matter.

“Growth of Plastic Flowers” climbs the charts quickly, the song “alive” making it to the top of the charts in only a day. It was only a matter of days before it surpassed “Strain of Will” as his best selling album, which was met with much celebration from his followers. The change in tone between this album and the last was so striking that it shook the fan base to the core for a long while, so much so that the GOPF Tour announcement nearly broke them.

The months leading up to the tour were relaxing in comparison to the past year, 2017 bringing a more relaxed time. Dan and Phil’s fanbases began to merge even more so than before, and practically no one was surprised when Phil tweeted one day in February that he’s officially handed in the keys to his old flat and moved in with Dan. The move prompts more and more tweets featuring the both of them, mainly Dan complaining about Phil’s secret cereal binging habits, or Phil claiming Dan killed one of his houseplants (which Dan vehemently denies).

One of the most notable tweets came a week prior to the tour, featuring a captionless video —tweeted from Phil’s account— of Dan with his head bowed over their bathroom sink and hair covered in blue froth, which included Phil touching the back of his neck with a froth covered glove. As one may guess, this action earned a yelp and string of swear words which were, thankfully, cut off.

The tour kicked off in Glasgow, Dan sporting a head of pastel blue curls and a smile wider than any other displayed in tours before. His increased enthusiasm and happiness were obvious to any onlooker, and the cheers filled him with a sort of determination and sense of pride he’d never felt before. One of the most obvious changes in demeanor, however, came in the pre-show meet and greets, where fans were shocked to find that hugs were allowed if wanted. Many, despite this, chose not to ask for one due to uncertainty and consciousness of his past feelings about physical contact. Those who did hug him, noticed the slight uncertainty and lightness of the contact, but were understanding of it.

Time went on and after two months of traveling and shows performed all around the world, Dan was back in London for one final show; a sold out performance at Wembley Stadium, the biggest venue of the whole tour.

The show wasn’t much different from any other of the shows Dan did along the tour, the only major differences being when he had to stop singing in the middle of “changes” because he started crying, and the statement made just before singing “alive.”

“So as you all probably know, a year ago I met a boy while filming in Japan. Last October, I discovered that he’s my soulmate,” he said into the mic. The crowd cheered around him, people waving signs and reaching their arms out towards him. “Some of you may have already realized, but for those who haven’t, that same boy has traveled around the world with me for this entire tour, and he’s here tonight.”

The stadium followed the finger Dan had pointed towards one of the VIP box sections, and the cheering and screaming had grown louder. He retracted his hand, running his fingers through his hair, which had become damp with sweat. He grinned, looking up towards the spot he knew his boyfriend occupied.

“I wrote this next song about love and trust,” he said, eyes sparkling. “So, I dedicate this to you, Phil.”

**Author's Note:**

> edit 1/14/18: i (the original author) have left the phandom and feel really weird about irl shipping now so i've decided to orphan this fic. i'm very appreciative of the support this fic has garnered but i still feel weird having it attached to my acc. thank you for reading if you made it this far :)
> 
> edit 4/15/17: it's been quite a few months since i first posted this and there are a couple things i feel the need to address.
> 
> 1\. if you have been sexually assaulted, tell someone about it. don't stay silent, no matter how ashamed or afraid you may be, it will only lead to more pain. if you tell someone you can get help and you can build a support system. you are not to blame for being sexually assaulted, no matter what the circumstances.
> 
> 2\. this story is not based upon personal experience so i cannot guarantee the accuracy of my portrayals. i did quite a lot of research leading up to writing this, and wrote it because i felt this was a topic that needed to be touched upon, but mistakes can be made, so please let me know if you feel any of what i wrote was inaccurate.
> 
> thanks for reading :)


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